Logismoi…

by Nonna

It’s been a long week… it’s late… this post is late (as seems to be the new norm). I think that I’ll still catalogue my gratitude posts as “Multitude Monday” posts… but I’m not longer going to connect them to Ann’s blog. I just don’t need the extra pressure to “get it done on time”. Life is stressful enough right now. On another note, yesterday I saw my neurologist and we’ve put a call in to have a very expensive blood test done… hopefully it will give us the information we need about the myasthenia issue. We’ll see… In the meantime, nothing changes with my medication protocol. So far, so good.

I have my second IV for the week tomorrow, and then my arms will have a break until next Monday. God-willing, it won’t be too traumatic. It’s funny – I feel so bad for the nurses when they can’t get those needles to thread into my poor, dehydrated little veins. It’s ridiculous really – I’m sitting here drinking an electrolyte drink before bed, hoping that it will help me stay hydrated enough to get IV hydration tomorrow. I’m an odd duck. A small soul inside a very uniquely broken body… Prayerfully all this strangeness within and without me is helping me grow – encouraging the Change I yearn for… here in The Quiet within…

The Philosopher began a new blog the other day… Digressed Philosophy. I’m putting a plug here for it because I think some of you might be interested in the writings of a still-ten-year-old boy who is the youngest son of a soul as small as mine… a boy on the autistic spectrum who still struggles with sensory issue limitations… a boy who loves to draw, who talks constantly (but was never supposed to talk at all according to the experts), a boy who is already learning so much about the Reality of prayer… I think my boys are way ahead of me in that area. He only has two posts right now – his first at the bottom of the page, his second above that. I ask you, “Where does such a thinker come from?” He’s always been a philosopher though… and my oldest… he’s always been a professor type. I suppose that makes our unique family rather well rounded. :) May these boys of mine continue on the path before them… no matter what happens to me.

I meant to write a bit about what the Orthodox call the logismoi… those thoughts that blind-side you in a mental and emotional attack… battles you are particularly susceptible to losing. We all have these internal thoughts that we struggle with. My biggest temptation that attacks when I’m weak is anything related to Fear… fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of the future, fears of the past… worry and fear… it doesn’t matter – if there’s something that can tempt me to blatantly fear and fall into the serious sin of lack of trust in God… in my weakness it will appear out of no where. This is my “weak spot”. This past Saturday evening, at Confession, my spiritual father and I were discussing the struggle of logismoi, and the best way to deal with it – on a practical level. He’s good at practical guidance… thank the Lord. I am so grateful for my spiritual father…

I have a feeling this Lent is going to be spent learning to deal with the logismoi on a practical level… and beginning to learn to maintain The Quiet within that I need – that constant prayer I long for… Lord, have mercy. My specific struggle with lack of trust – lack of Faith in God – this is a serious issue. I will never grow… I’ll never find the path to theosis if I am struggling with fear, worry and doubt. I’ll never really know Love that way – for “perfect love casts out fear”. This small soul of mine… it is weak, weary – but even a small soul must learn the Reality of Love. It is Love that transforms… the all-consuming Love of the Holy Trinity – this is the Truth that binds all the universe together – the Way that leads to the Reality of Communion… the Constant Remembrance of God.

In this Triodion period I’ve begun reading a book about the life and teachings of Elder Thaddeus (it was sent down to me by a dear friend in Washington)… and I’ve already found it such a rich source of encouragement. It’s one of those books you know you’ll have to read repeatedly to get everything out of it. (I love books like that!) I’m going to close this post with a brief excerpt from one of his quotes on prayer:

“A vigilant heart is needed for spiritual life. Such a heart is always burning with love. When the period of warfare comes, we are overwhelmed by thoughts and cares of all sorts. This is when we must turn to the Lord in our hearts and keep silence. If we cannot abandon the thought that is bothering us immediately, then we must keep silence. We should not think about anything. It is not ours to think. The Lord knows what we can take and what we cannot. Then, when we are in silence and our mind is quiet, we should give it something to do so it will not wander. We should pray. Let the mind pray from the heart. Thus, gradually, we will become accustomed to prayer, and prayer will become a habit in us, just like any task we learn to perform. Pray in this manner, without words, and when the Lord sees our endeavors, when He sees that we seek Him and wish to be with Him in all eternity, then He will give us strength, and the heart will dwell in constant prayer. Then we will do our work while listening to the prayer in us.

Practicing the Constant Remembrance of God… with gratitude:

1381… hydration IVs

1382… rides made available by family and friends

1383… visits with dear ones

1384… hearing a little one laugh

1385… spiritual guidance

1386… The Philosopher’s tender heart

1387… The Professor’s tender heart

1388… boys who know how to pray

1389… great-grandma still in the hospital, but doing okay

1390… breakfast out with my Mister

1391… wheelchairs in the hospital

1392… re-hearing the first sermon we heard at St. George’s :)

1393… Silence and stillness within – chaos without

1394… a monastery trip all scheduled – right around my birthday!!!!

1395… upcoming birthdays – my sister, my Mister – going to be a busy birthday week :)

1396… seeing growth

1397… new reliable internet coming

1398… knitting lessons shared

1399… little Evie’s first birthday party coming!!! :)

1400… this quiet corner of cyberspace – where I’m free to write, learn, and just be…

May all of you know the fullness of prayer in the Quiet…

Lord, have mercy…