The Strength in Weariness…
by Nonna
I’m laying here in room 425 again… one of the rooms I’m often assigned at the hospital when I go in for my IVs. Other than the whirring of the IV pump, and the sound of nurses talking in the hall – it’s very quiet here. As of right now, I have three more IVs scheduled on my current prescription – after a week from Friday, I don’t know what’s going to happen with my fluids… I haven’t heard anything from my doctor. Of course, I’ll see the cardiologist again at the end of February, so it’s only a about a month that I’ll be going without IV fluids – hopefully it won’t be too long. Actually, I’m hoping the Florinef will work well enough that I’ll just be able to maintain my hydration level with oral fluids – we’ll see. I suppose it depends a lot on my stomach, and my ability to balance calorie intake with fluid intake. *sigh* Yeah, we’ll see… I finally worked up the nerve to try my new seizure med today – so far so good. I didn’t need to come here for a bad reaction, in fact the only thing I’ve noticed is that the muscles in my head seem to be more relaxed – which is actually nice – even lowers my pain level a bit. Of course I’m taking 1/6th of the smallest pill they make it in at the moment – we’ll work up from here. :) I’m hopeful.
The heat situation at our house is still in the process of being fixed, but we’re really hopeful that the woodstove will be up and running by the end of the day. Poor Papa has been working so hard on it, and one thing after another has gone wrong – mostly with getting the proper parts! It doesn’t help that my Mister only has so much “free-time” – glancing at the clock I can see that he’s just starting his clinical duties now. He won’t get home again now until about 10:30 tonight. I really hope he’ll be able to come home to a toasty warm house! We’ve actually had snow the past couple of days, (it’s snowing out my window now!) and trust me, our little family has come to understand how stressful it is to be cold for long periods of time… We spent a lot of this past week visiting my mom and enjoying the heat from her woodstove. I don’t think the boys will every take heat for granted again. :)
I’ll admit to feeling very weary at the moment. Life is full of struggles, moment by moment – that’s where the growth comes from – but sometimes I just feel so weak. I know I say it all the time – but it’s true – I’m a very small soul. When I get this weary, the Quiet becomes so palpable though… it is like a solid force within me… I feel transparent – like I could blow away with one gust of wind – yet something within remains unbendable – unbreakable – steadfast. This is where I wait for the storms of life to blow over. But the reality is – Life is a succession of times of storm and times of calm – and sometimes we don’t feel like there’s much calm between the storms. :) In my weariness, there is a temptation to just “give up” – but that solidity within me just stands firm. There’s a sense where I completely surrender to the Providence – the Will – of God… where I’m too weary to do anything but just let go of all my pretension of control. I mean really, this bone weariness – what isn’t related to physical struggle – is all about fighting to make my life go the way I think it should go…
But who really wants that?
I don’t.
I have no idea what is best for me – what will bring the most profit to my small soul and plant this life of mine firmly on the path to theosis. I don’t know what I need in order to grow from glory to Glory. Only God knows my heart and soul – only He knows what will bring me to the fullness of salvation. Most of us will never reach the point where we can really know ourselves – where we can see the depth of darkness within us… or the beauty of the Uncreated Light of God’s Grace that is poured out upon us. The longer I walk this Way – the more I know that I know nothing. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me…
As I lay here in this hospital bed, I’m reminded how very human I am… how much a part of all this fallen humanity I am… this soul that is supposed to be growing into the likeness of the only Authentic Human – the Risen Christ… I am so weak. Who am I to question the ways of God? In the Quiet – I am just grateful… so grateful for all this – all this Life. I close my eyes, and I’m in the Divine Liturgy again – I smell the incense rising toward heaven, I hear the chanting of the hymns… I taste and see the Presence of the Almighty God… Who am I to know this? I am just Little Nonna… and I have been given more than I can ever show gratitude for… Lord, have mercy…
1321… the silence of the night… dark and peaceful… laying horizontal without guilt for hours… what a gift
1322… hours of rest in this hospital bed – nothing required of me but rest
1323… praying for my dear ones
1324… snow! Beauty and beautification… what a glorious thing…
1325… coffee hour conversations
1326… puppets in the backseat
1327… snuggling next to my Mister as he sleeps
1328… blankets, lots of blankets!!
1329… laptops – portable blogging possibilities!! :)
1330… knitted hats
1331… my mother’s robe
1332… The Professor in his daddy’s robe :)
1333… The Philosopher asleep in his bunk
1334… postponed plans
1335… hearing the laughter of grown men thoroughly enjoying each other’s company
1336… watching Animal Crackers with the boys
1337… enjoying love stories with my sister – as I watch hers unfold :)
1338… triple digit blood pressure – fairly stable!
1339… letting go of almost seven years
1340… A Faith that is ancient yet all-encompassing… and transforming
How does He love me? Let me count the ways… these numbers are infinite – the ways are only as finite as the moments of my life…
Lord, have mercy…
