Hidden and Silent…
by Nonna
I meant to spend some time in this quiet space while at my IV yesterday, but with the fluids running a bit faster than normal, I was just too tired to think clearly (or semi-clearly as may be the case). :) I’ve been going through the busyness of life day in and day out – pushing myself to do what needs to be done… sitting here tonight after another doctor appointment, I’m so weary, but thankful.
It was actually another rather productive appointment, we’ll see what comes of it. My MRI was “clean” other than a few “spots” the neurologist showed me, but she wasn’t worried about them. She kept saying, “You have such a BIG brain!” LOL! (You have to hear it in her Romanian accent.) There wasn’t much space/cerebral fluid between my brain and my skull, which explains why hitting my head can knock me silly if I’m not careful. :) She used the adjective beautiful in describing my brain, and I have to admit – it really was beautiful – symmetrical, intricate, detailed, lots of lovely fractals… just so structurally beautiful. Too bad it doesn’t work as well as it used to! :) Perhaps one of these new meds will help… But I think the main feeling I walked away with was one of awe… and I felt so privileged to have had the opportunity to see a part of me that’s normally so hidden and silent.
There’s so much that is hidden and silent.
It appears that a side issue I’ve been dealing with – aside from the genetic connective tissue disorder, the ME/CFS, the Dysautonomia/POTS, etc. – is… atonic seizures. Sounds rather odd? Well, it seems that some of these “passing out” episodes are not from my blood pressure, but they’re a really rare type of seizure… we’ll see how the med for it works out. I’ll admit to being nervous about trying the med, and part of me just doesn’t want to deal with a med for a situation that only happens every once in awhile – but if the med can control those instances, and the IV and other new med can control the episodes related to low blood pressure… THEN maybe I could actually get to drive again… and I have to admit, I’m willing to try all sorts of things to regain some independence. Even if I can only drive for a limited amount of time (nothing is going to help with the fatigue and pain related to the connective tissue disorder – which makes driving difficult in and of itself), I would love to at least be able to take the boys to the library again or something. Not being able to drive – being a burden on those around me, juggling my schedule with everyone else’s – it’s just been so frustrating.
It’s a humbling thing to require help for EVERYTHING… from driving around to taking a shower.
Not that learning such intense humility is a bad thing – I know that it has been good for me – it’s just been such a burden for those around me. I’d like to ease that burden as much as I can – if at all possible. Here in this little space it’s easy for me to be open about how all this is effecting me – but in “real life”… this too is part of all that is “hidden and quiet”. I might mention my frustration briefly, but no one knows the depth of it… other than my spiritual father. :)
Speaking of… for the first time in my life I found myself needing to confess something this past weekend that I’ve never really had to deal with before. And for someone learning so much about gratitude, it shows how very little I’ve actually internalized it all… it shows a serious depth of ingratitude actually. It’s just ugly… and something I was shocked to realize I had fallen into… the serious sin-sickness of envy. Who could imagine that someone who’s been given so much would fall into envy of others? Of course, it wasn’t the simple kind of envy that people tend to think of… I’ve never been drawn to material things – not even as a child really – so envy just wasn’t part of my thought process. But this past holiday season, while visiting with so much extended family, I found myself envying others on a deeper level… not just things like their health or anything like that… but specifically, I was envying their level of “approval” from other family members. I was seriously wanting what they had… Which just goes to show how little I am… how little I’ve grown in gratitude for all I’ve been given in my own life. It’s really a rather pathetic thing.
It’s going to require some healing time… and the salve of prayer. Once again, I found myself so grateful for my spiritual father… I spent nights examining my heart depths – what little I can see so far – preparing myself for the peace of Confession – praying to be able to give a good one… to have my mind clear and focused as much as possible… to be able to express myself. And also, I prayed for my priest – that he would be granted the wisdom to give me the guidance I needed… which of course, he had. It is a precious thing to be granted a real spiritual father… something I will never take for granted. And it is a precious thing to know that “hidden and quiet” place of true Confession… that peace. How could I envy others when I know the beauty of this sacramental life?
This journey of The Way… yearning for theosis… striving to grow from glory to glory… it is such a challenge. But it is such a blessing… there are no words to describe it. Truly, we live the “bright sorrow”. It is this joy shining in the struggles… through the difficulties. It is the life that becomes all prayer… gradually growing in Grace.
Moment by moment…
Hidden and silent…
1301… growing to know myself in Truth
1302… a new “usable” vein :)
1303… more answers
1304… “light at the end of the tunnel”
1305… Theophany
1306… the wisdom of my spiritual father
1307… my parish family
1308… friends willing to drive me all over the city
1309… doctors still looking for answers
1310… dear ones preparing to become catechumens
1311… good movies
1312… tears of gratitude
1313… tears of joy
1314… tears of sorrow
1315… dreaming with my Mister
1316… The Professor officially taller than me :)
1317… a furnace “BOOM!” in the middle of the night… but no one hurt – just cold :)
1318… handicap parking spaces
1319… entire mornings with my Mister – even if they’re spent at doc appointments :)
1320… white full moon in the dark of a winter night
So much to be grateful for…
Lord, have mercy…
Nonna – I appreciated reading your thoughts. We are fearfully and intricately made. It is an awesome experience to be able to “look” at the scans or other images that show the inside works of us.
And I appreciate your honesty about the feelings of envy that arose – more importantly that you have a spirtual director to talk to and with and confess and feel the peace of renewal.
You shared many blessings within this post and I am blessed in having read them.
Love – Hugs – Lynn
Nonna, that was beautiful! It brings to mind my complaining spirit, and the value in counting ones blessings. Thank you for reaching out to me and giving me the opportunity to read your wonderful blog! You said you don’t have many readers. I wish that you had many, many readers. You have a lot to share. God bless and keep you!
Leila, it’s so great to “see” you here! :) Feel free to browse around this little corner as much as you want – this blog is actually around six years old (I should probably look up the actual age sometime) :) – so there’s stuff in here from when my boys were younger, and there are even hints of the spiritual journey we were on that brought us to St. George’s… It’s a pretty eclectic place, but the few readers I have seem to find encouragement here – and it helps me when I read over it. :) God-willing we’ll “see” each other more often in the “blogosphere”!
with prayer,
~Nonna :)