Of Torture and Rest…

Lord, as You know… and as You will… have mercy.

It seems like the most time I have for writing my weekly posts is while I’m laying in a hospital bed. I’m in room 416 today (actually my favorite room, probably because of the number), and once again it’s pretty quiet. The IV therapy floor tends to be a quiet place – a good place to rest – to feel the Quiet within and without.

I need the rest today. Yesterday I had the “dreaded” Tilt Table Test. For most people this test doesn’t sound like a big deal though. You lay down on a special table, you’re hooked up to some wires to monitor your heart rate and such, and your blood pressure is monitored as well – then they put a strap around your middle just in case you pass out – and they “tilt” the table up so that you’re standing. Then you just stand there for 30 minutes while they watch you and ask you how you’re feeling every couple of minutes. It really doesn’t sound like that big of a deal. I had heard a lot of horror stories about this test from others with autonomic nervous system disorders, but I figured I wouldn’t have as hard a time as they did because I spend a lot of time upright. Afterall, I’m an Orthodox Christian – we stand a lot for our services – so I figured I was more prepared than most people.

The thing is – I compensate though – I never stand absolutely still. Since my body can’t automatically move the blood from my legs to my heart and brain, I keep my legs/body moving, flexing the muscles etc. – so that I’m manually moving the blood through my body – and I have a cane so I can bear my weight with my arms as well as my legs. I didn’t really realize how much I do this, and I had no idea what would happen if I was forced to stand still without any means of compensating… I really had no idea I would be as messed up as I was… no idea at all… I was totally unprepared…

I don’t really want to think too much about what happened yesterday – it was one of the worst and literally torture-like tests I’ve endured. I would rather have another EMG (where they stick needles in your muscles and have you flex to measure your muscle strength), than ever have another Tilt Table Test. Here’s what I wrote in an email to a friend to describe a bit of what it was like:

“…obviously my heart rate went up right away (but not too bad, the IVs I’ve been having kept me from passing out and kept my blood pressure fairly stable)… after a couple minutes I was totally short of breath, then a few minutes later I broke out in pins and needles all over, cold sweat, severe headache, and the pain in my lower legs became intense. It felt like they were burning/pins and needles/and made of lead… then I couldn’t feel my feet properly at all – just pain/fire… my upper body went too light and my breathing became really erratic no matter how hard I tried to breathe slowly, my “heart cough” started back up, then nausea and the headache crept down from my head to my neck and shoulders. A few more minutes and my brain just wouldn’t work right – they kept asking me questions and the wrong words would come out of my mouth… my pupils stopped dilating properly shortly after the test started (the doc mentioned it to the nurse) but then after awhile my eyes stopped blinking on their own – I had to THINK to blink. She kept telling me, “Blink Jennifer. Blink.” I kept getting close to passing out – tunneling vision the whole bit – but they kept saying, “Don’t pass out,” and I managed to hang in there the whole time. But it would have been easier to just pass out instead of enduring the whole thing. I just hope she got the info she needed. Thankfully, she *did* write a new prescription for my IVs (6 months worth) – so I guess even if that’s all that comes of it, it was useful – but I’m just a wreck now.”

After they laid the table back down it took quite some time for my vitals and everything to return to “normal” – all I could do was whimper. (And then I found myself giggling a bit inside because I had that clip play through my head from Princess Bride – you know the part where Wesley is in the Pit of Despair and he lets out that whimper after his first time on the “Machine”? That’s exactly how I felt — and what I sounded like!) :) Thankfully the nurse had a wonderful bedside manner – he kept apologizing the entire time they were torturing me, and he didn’t let me out of his sight afterwards as I was recovering… he even pushed my wheelchair all the way out to the car in the parking garage! What a blessing…

*

So, it’s over.. all behind me now, and I just feel a bit like I was run over by some kind of wild animal – or maybe it was just a bus. :) We’re running my IV a bit slower today just because my body is so worn out from yesterday… which is fine, I’m not entirely sure how I’m getting home today anyway. I keep thinking, if that test didn’t make me pass out – then maybe between the IVs for my blood pressure and the seizure med for the “atonic seizures” – maybe they’ll let me drive again. It would be such a blessing to be able to take myself to all my appointments and not have to mess up the schedules of all those around me. I mean, yesterday Papa spent his day off driving me to the other side of town for a nasty test, and then driving back, picking up the boys who were with my mom, and then driving us all home… (plus he started a fire for us when we got back to the Humble House!)… It’s just hard not to feel “in the way” – and I know that my presence and “needs” are a burden to my whole family right now. Its a knowledge that’s very hard to deal with (another kind of torture all together)… I just want to give them some freedom from me.

How can someone so small cause so much hassle?

I’ve never been someone who is strong on their own. I’ve always been small… even as a young teenager, one of my nicknames was “Little”… And it’s true… I am a small soul. It amazes me that The Quiet within can be so all-encompassing – sometimes it seems to fill all that is – and yet, somehow it is contained within my smallness. It’s mind-boggling actually… how can something so intense exist inside someone so frail? I really am so very human. This life of mine requires so much repentance, and I’m still learning how and where to really start…

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

I am frail. Laying here, listening to the IV pump, if I close my eyes all I can feel is physical ache… but if I look within, deeper, there’s a hint of something steadfast, something transparent, thin, yet strong… this “something” that throbs with The Prayer within. It is more real than I am. Lord, have mercy… If I’m quiet enough in the Silence, I can hear an echo of the Great Ektenia from Vespers.. and I can’t help smiling that such a thing can be part of who I am. It is too wonderful – too life-changing. I can’t even grasp all it means to be transformed by this Reality. This Way – this Orthodox Faith – is so much more than a system of belief. It’s so much more than just believing in Christ — afterall the demons believe and tremble. It is this growing from glory to glory – this transformation… the journey of theosis – it is a Way of Life that creates real ontological change. That is how someone so small can dare to learn to pray… to learn to repent… to yearn for Communion…

I can never show the fullness of my gratitude…

1341… nurses with great bedside manners

1342… text messages from my Mister

1343… knitting plans

1344… Godparent requests :)

1345… cds made and given to encourage

1346… the smell of our woodstove in the morning

1347… beans and rice

1348… closed eyes, resting

1349… Zaccheaus Sunday – Great Lent is on the way!

1350… seizure meds that cut pain levels too!

1351… Papa and his willingness to help me get where I need to go – what would we do without him?

1352… fuzzy, warm, soft socks :)

1353… meeting a Facebook friend in “real life” and sharing our dear St. George’s with them

1354… wood stacked outside the front door – waiting warmth

1355… encouraging words from Evlogia again… how dear Mary Katherine is to me…

1356… dinner with The Professor’s Godfather and his wife – they even brought the food! :)

1357… body and mind weary, but at peace

1358… coming house blessings to attend!

1359… friends willing to “drop by” when they hear I’ve had a rough “testing” day — and they brought chocolate! :)

1360… The Quiet of transformation… for Communion

So many blessings poured out upon me… moment by moment… day by day. I am overwhelmed. It is all Grace… all glory.
Lord, have mercy…

The Strength in Weariness…

I’m laying here in room 425 again… one of the rooms I’m often assigned at the hospital when I go in for my IVs. Other than the whirring of the IV pump, and the sound of nurses talking in the hall – it’s very quiet here. As of right now, I have three more IVs scheduled on my current prescription – after a week from Friday, I don’t know what’s going to happen with my fluids… I haven’t heard anything from my doctor. Of course, I’ll see the cardiologist again at the end of February, so it’s only a about a month that I’ll be going without IV fluids – hopefully it won’t be too long. Actually, I’m hoping the Florinef will work well enough that I’ll just be able to maintain my hydration level with oral fluids – we’ll see. I suppose it depends a lot on my stomach, and my ability to balance calorie intake with fluid intake. *sigh* Yeah, we’ll see… I finally worked up the nerve to try my new seizure med today – so far so good. I didn’t need to come here for a bad reaction, in fact the only thing I’ve noticed is that the muscles in my head seem to be more relaxed – which is actually nice – even lowers my pain level a bit. Of course I’m taking 1/6th of the smallest pill they make it in at the moment – we’ll work up from here. :) I’m hopeful.

The heat situation at our house is still in the process of being fixed, but we’re really hopeful that the woodstove will be up and running by the end of the day. Poor Papa has been working so hard on it, and one thing after another has gone wrong – mostly with getting the proper parts! It doesn’t help that my Mister only has so much “free-time” – glancing at the clock I can see that he’s just starting his clinical duties now. He won’t get home again now until about 10:30 tonight. I really hope he’ll be able to come home to a toasty warm house! We’ve actually had snow the past couple of days, (it’s snowing out my window now!) and trust me, our little family has come to understand how stressful it is to be cold for long periods of time… We spent a lot of this past week visiting my mom and enjoying the heat from her woodstove. I don’t think the boys will every take heat for granted again. :)

I’ll admit to feeling very weary at the moment. Life is full of struggles, moment by moment – that’s where the growth comes from – but sometimes I just feel so weak. I know I say it all the time – but it’s true – I’m a very small soul. When I get this weary, the Quiet becomes so palpable though… it is like a solid force within me… I feel transparent – like I could blow away with one gust of wind – yet something within remains unbendable – unbreakable – steadfast. This is where I wait for the storms of life to blow over. But the reality is – Life is a succession of times of storm and times of calm – and sometimes we don’t feel like there’s much calm between the storms. :) In my weariness, there is a temptation to just “give up” – but that solidity within me just stands firm. There’s a sense where I completely surrender to the Providence – the Will – of God… where I’m too weary to do anything but just let go of all my pretension of control. I mean really, this bone weariness – what isn’t related to physical struggle – is all about fighting to make my life go the way I think it should go…

But who really wants that?

I don’t.

I have no idea what is best for me – what will bring the most profit to my small soul and plant this life of mine firmly on the path to theosis. I don’t know what I need in order to grow from glory to Glory. Only God knows my heart and soul – only He knows what will bring me to the fullness of salvation. Most of us will never reach the point where we can really know ourselves – where we can see the depth of darkness within us… or the beauty of the Uncreated Light of God’s Grace that is poured out upon us. The longer I walk this Way – the more I know that I know nothing. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me…

As I lay here in this hospital bed, I’m reminded how very human I am… how much a part of all this fallen humanity I am… this soul that is supposed to be growing into the likeness of the only Authentic Human – the Risen Christ… I am so weak. Who am I to question the ways of God? In the Quiet – I am just grateful… so grateful for all this – all this Life. I close my eyes, and I’m in the Divine Liturgy again – I smell the incense rising toward heaven, I hear the chanting of the hymns… I taste and see the Presence of the Almighty God… Who am I to know this? I am just Little Nonna… and I have been given more than I can ever show gratitude for… Lord, have mercy…

1321… the silence of the night… dark and peaceful… laying horizontal without guilt for hours… what a gift

1322… hours of rest in this hospital bed – nothing required of me but rest

1323… praying for my dear ones

1324… snow! Beauty and beautification… what a glorious thing…

1325… coffee hour conversations

1326… puppets in the backseat

1327… snuggling next to my Mister as he sleeps

1328… blankets, lots of blankets!!

1329… laptops – portable blogging possibilities!! :)

1330… knitted hats

1331… my mother’s robe

1332… The Professor in his daddy’s robe :)

1333… The Philosopher asleep in his bunk

1334… postponed plans

1335… hearing the laughter of grown men thoroughly enjoying each other’s company

1336… watching Animal Crackers with the boys

1337… enjoying love stories with my sister – as I watch hers unfold :)

1338… triple digit blood pressure – fairly stable!

1339… letting go of almost seven years

1340… A Faith that is ancient yet all-encompassing… and transforming

How does He love me? Let me count the ways… these numbers are infinite – the ways are only as finite as the moments of my life…

Lord, have mercy…

Hidden and Silent…

I meant to spend some time in this quiet space while at my IV yesterday, but with the fluids running a bit faster than normal, I was just too tired to think clearly (or semi-clearly as may be the case). :) I’ve been going through the busyness of life day in and day out – pushing myself to do what needs to be done… sitting here tonight after another doctor appointment, I’m so weary, but thankful.

It was actually another rather productive appointment, we’ll see what comes of it. My MRI was “clean” other than a few “spots” the neurologist showed me, but she wasn’t worried about them. She kept saying, “You have such a BIG brain!” LOL! (You have to hear it in her Romanian accent.) There wasn’t much space/cerebral fluid between my brain and my skull, which explains why hitting my head can knock me silly if I’m not careful. :) She used the adjective beautiful in describing my brain, and I have to admit – it really was beautiful – symmetrical, intricate, detailed, lots of lovely fractals… just so structurally beautiful. Too bad it doesn’t work as well as it used to! :) Perhaps one of these new meds will help… But I think the main feeling I walked away with was one of awe… and I felt so privileged to have had the opportunity to see a part of me that’s normally so hidden and silent.

There’s so much that is hidden and silent.

It appears that a side issue I’ve been dealing with – aside from the genetic connective tissue disorder, the ME/CFS, the Dysautonomia/POTS, etc. – is… atonic seizures. Sounds rather odd? Well, it seems that some of these “passing out” episodes are not from my blood pressure, but they’re a really rare type of seizure… we’ll see how the med for it works out. I’ll admit to being nervous about trying the med, and part of me just doesn’t want to deal with a med for a situation that only happens every once in awhile – but if the med can control those instances, and the IV and other new med can control the episodes related to low blood pressure… THEN maybe I could actually get to drive again… and I have to admit, I’m willing to try all sorts of things to regain some independence. Even if I can only drive for a limited amount of time (nothing is going to help with the fatigue and pain related to the connective tissue disorder – which makes driving difficult in and of itself), I would love to at least be able to take the boys to the library again or something. Not being able to drive – being a burden on those around me, juggling my schedule with everyone else’s – it’s just been so frustrating.

It’s a humbling thing to require help for EVERYTHING… from driving around to taking a shower.

Not that learning such intense humility is a bad thing – I know that it has been good for me – it’s just been such a burden for those around me. I’d like to ease that burden as much as I can – if at all possible. Here in this little space it’s easy for me to be open about how all this is effecting me – but in “real life”… this too is part of all that is “hidden and quiet”. I might mention my frustration briefly, but no one knows the depth of it… other than my spiritual father. :)

Speaking of… for the first time in my life I found myself needing to confess something this past weekend that I’ve never really had to deal with before. And for someone learning so much about gratitude, it shows how very little I’ve actually internalized it all… it shows a serious depth of ingratitude actually. It’s just ugly… and something I was shocked to realize I had fallen into… the serious sin-sickness of envy. Who could imagine that someone who’s been given so much would fall into envy of others? Of course, it wasn’t the simple kind of envy that people tend to think of… I’ve never been drawn to material things – not even as a child really – so envy just wasn’t part of my thought process. But this past holiday season, while visiting with so much extended family, I found myself envying others on a deeper level… not just things like their health or anything like that… but specifically, I was envying their level of “approval” from other family members. I was seriously wanting what they had… Which just goes to show how little I am… how little I’ve grown in gratitude for all I’ve been given in my own life. It’s really a rather pathetic thing.

It’s going to require some healing time… and the salve of prayer. Once again, I found myself so grateful for my spiritual father… I spent nights examining my heart depths – what little I can see so far – preparing myself for the peace of Confession – praying to be able to give a good one… to have my mind clear and focused as much as possible… to be able to express myself. And also, I prayed for my priest – that he would be granted the wisdom to give me the guidance I needed… which of course, he had. It is a precious thing to be granted a real spiritual father… something I will never take for granted. And it is a precious thing to know that “hidden and quiet” place of true Confession… that peace. How could I envy others when I know the beauty of this sacramental life?

This journey of The Way… yearning for theosis… striving to grow from glory to glory… it is such a challenge. But it is such a blessing… there are no words to describe it. Truly, we live the “bright sorrow”. It is this joy shining in the struggles… through the difficulties. It is the life that becomes all prayer… gradually growing in Grace.
Moment by moment…

Hidden and silent…

1301… growing to know myself in Truth

1302… a new “usable” vein :)

1303… more answers

1304… “light at the end of the tunnel”

1305… Theophany

1306… the wisdom of my spiritual father

1307… my parish family

1308… friends willing to drive me all over the city

1309… doctors still looking for answers

1310… dear ones preparing to become catechumens

1311… good movies

1312… tears of gratitude

1313… tears of joy

1314… tears of sorrow

1315… dreaming with my Mister

1316… The Professor officially taller than me :)

1317… a furnace “BOOM!” in the middle of the night… but no one hurt – just cold :)

1318… handicap parking spaces

1319… entire mornings with my Mister – even if they’re spent at doc appointments :)

1320… white full moon in the dark of a winter night

So much to be grateful for…

Lord, have mercy…

Busy Days and Gratitude…

It seems like a lot of time has passed since the last time I chronicled my thoughts here. Has it only been about a week? Time is such a relative thing… much has happened, and yet nothing has really changed — other than the calendar. :) We’re officially sitting at the beginning of 2012 – counting another circling of the sun – but with the Christmas Day and New Years celebrations behind us, for most of us life returns to “normal” now. I haven’t figured out what “normal” means for me yet… not this “new” normal… we’ll call it “new” as I have no desire to count the years that my body has been struggling to be “like everyone else,” and yet has continued on its slow spiral downward.

Last week was a busy week. I won’t hear the results of the MRI until the 10th – for now, I’m choosing not to think about it. :) The rheumatologist appointment was actually very productive – despite the fact that I was terribly stressed out about it. The last time I saw a rheumatologist I was just a girl, and the entire situation was very psychologically distressing. I didn’t realize how scarred I was from it until I was sitting there waiting for the guy to come into the examination room. No matter how sane I forced my thoughts to be, my physical response was basically out of my control – and one normally experienced by people feeling pure terror. Suffice it to say, this woman who can’t keep her blood pressure up – I average 90s over 60s – had a blood pressure of 122/74 when they took it at the rheumatologist office. :) I remember thinking, “If only I could bottle this adrenaline, I wouldn’t have to worry about passing out anymore.” :)

After a thorough examination the rheumatologist confirmed the diagnosis of a genetic collagen disorder… (HMS, hypermobility syndrome or HCTD, heritable connective tissue disorder – on the East Coast and in Europe it’s considered a form of EDS, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome). He gave me some tips on things to do for me and the boys – but mostly gave me many warnings on things NOT to do… especially for the boys. I was very thankful that he had the names of a couple of places to try to get the boys into so that they can be officially diagnosed in the future. It’s something that needs to be on their medical record in case they ever need surgery, or (heaven forbid) the military tries to draft them. (Of course, being on the autism spectrum is probably enough reason not to be allowed in the military – but you never know…) Anyway, now I’m looking for someone who can help us learn something like Tai Chi or another form of very gentle muscle work – swimming would be perfect, but the boys have chlorine issues. The idea is to keep the muscles strong enough to help support the joints, without furthering the damage of joints in the process. Things like contact sports, running, aerobics, even fast walking are big no-nos – as they contribute to joint destruction since the joints do not sit properly in their places. Even hiking will have to be done at a slow, steady pace to keep the hip joints in place… at least now I know why The Professor’s hips are always popping out… On the one hand, it’s very upsetting to know that I’ve passed on a genetic disorder to my kids (talk about “feeling guilty”), but on the other hand, it’s nice to know why their joints dislocate so much, and why The Philosopher has so much extreme muscle pain – pain that he feels limits him. It’s a relief to know this is “all” it is, and I don’t have to put him through any of the horrible testing I went through when I was a child. And with a proper lifestyle, it’s likely he can avoid a future like the one I’m living – God-willing. (Though it was very likely a virus that began the mess I’m dealing with right now.)

The cardiologist appointment was also pretty productive. She’s the doc who really understands the complicated illness I’m struggling with – she’s studied with Dr. Grubb back in Ohio (the national specialist in dysautonomia), and she’s so encouraging. On the one hand, she was very happy that my digestion is still trucking along at a decent pace – while I can’t eat “like everyone else” – I’m still able to eat, and at this point that is what matters. However, she was not happy with my continued low blood pressure. I saw her three hours after having an IV last Wednesday. Immediately after the liter of fluid my bp was 104/72 – but three hours later, in her office, it was back down to 90/62. She was not pleased. So we’re going to try another medication. My body just isn’t going to cooperate with the fluids alone – as much as I want it to. I’d so much rather not have to try meds again – every time I do, it’s some kind of disaster – but we have to keep trying them until we find one that works. (Hopefully, I don’t wind up in the hospital in the process.) She wants to try Adderall – it will help with the loss of my brain power, as well as hopefully bump up my blood pressure enough to keep me more stable… even if we have to keep the doing the fluids too. I’m a bit nervous – Adderall is a serious med (I’ve no idea if I’m spelling it right by the way). This is one of those meds they can’t just call into the pharmacy – they have to have a written prescription with the doc’s signature… we’ll see. She prescribed me a short lived, low dose… and I’m going to start with a quarter of a pill, just to see what will happen. You never know what my body will decide to do… She also decided I’m “strong enough” now to handle a tilt-table test… so we’ll be getting that scheduled soon. This test is a bit of a nightmare from what I’ve heard, so I’m a bit nervous… but it will give useful information, so I’m willing to go through with it.

It was funny – while in her examination room she asked if a first year resident could come in and see me – to which I agreed. He seemed preoccupied and didn’t listen as much as she wanted him to – but at least he’ll be able to say that he’s “seen” a patient with my diagnosis before. Dysautonomia patients are pretty rare, most docs only read about them in a paragraph in a textbook… she just wanted him to see how debilitating the illness really is. She took pictures of how stretchy my skin is with her phone – pointed out how it relates to the collagen in my veins and impacts my blood pressure… she even pointed out how dilated my eyes were despite how bright the room was because my autonomic system couldn’t control my pupils properly anymore. Anyway, she tried to help him understand the extent of the issues involved with the illness – but of course, he was young, and preoccupied with his own schedule. He excused himself after a few minutes saying he had somewhere else to be… I found myself relieved that it was unlikely I’d ever have him as an actual doctor, and feeling sorry for his future patients. I guess all the docs I’ve seen throughout the years really came into the medical industry already the way they were… maybe specific personalities gravitate to it? I don’t know… I’m just thankful to have found a few doctors who are actually able to listen – they are rare treasures. This “doc” was young though – perhaps with time he will learn to listen.

In the midst of all this… I’m still trying to maintain some semblance of a “normal” life. My brother has been in town, and I’m trying to spend what time I can with him. Today is his last day, and we’re enjoying these last few hours of his company relaxing at my mom’s house. The boys have a terrible cold (another plus to knowing about the HCTD is that I understand now why it can take them so long to get well – apparently people with this genetic issue have more trouble with viruses than the norm). I’ve been up with them a lot during the night, and we’ve been working on keeping up the fluids etc. I’ll be glad when this virus is behind us… I could use a bit of rest. :) Sadly, The Philosopher and I had to miss the first Divine Liturgy of the year last Sunday because he was just too sick to leave the house – he literally slept the entire time my Mister and The Professor were gone. (I’ll admit to sleeping much of the time too.) :) We’re all looking forward to the Vesperal Divine Liturgy on Thursday night… our family loves the celebration of Theophany – God-willing, we’ll be well enough to attend.

I’ll admit that it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with all that’s going on right now. My Mister is headed back to his nursing school classes, I have all these doc appointments, I want to be able to give the boys all they need… there’s just so much going on in life. But really, we all feel that way… life is like that. It’s just life. It’s what we do with it all that shapes who we are day by day… it’s how we live our moments in the light of grace that transforms us from glory to glory. It all draws us to prayer – and it all becomes prayer if we allow it to be… God-willing, I’ll learn more about living each moment in 2012… Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me…

With gratitude for each moment:

1281… homemade ornaments

1282… Christmas tree lights

1283… hospital volunteers

1284… Cuties – those miniature orange/tangerines :)

1285… swirled winter skies

1286… hot cocoa

1287… Kindle sample reads

1288… new pocket planner

1289… courage

1290… plug-in heaters

1291… carmel popcorn

1292… chocolate covered pecans

1293… sharing a cup of licorice tea

1294… 16 years after I said “Yes!” when my Mister “popped the question”

1295… visiting with my brother

1296… knitting with dark blue

1297… doctors who want to help

1298… wind and rain — the downed-branch missed our little Humble House

1299… old movies

1300… The Quiet in life’s Chaos

May your New Year be blessed my dear readers… there’s so much to be grateful for!

Lord, have mercy…

The Nativity and Life…

I began this post last week, and somehow time has just flown by… A Blessed Feast of the Nativity to all of you!

Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

Life does seem to get hectic this time of year. :) I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in so long! My little brother is in town for the holidays –(well, he might be taller than me now, but he’ll always be the boy who was my closest playmate for years… younger than me, but up for any adventure – even ones that make my heart race now as a parent… we did some crazy things as kids). It’s been wonderful to just be in the same room with him again. All the family gatherings have been such a blessing this year. Even the boys didn’t have too hard of a time – there were some tears from “sensory overload” and being “overwhelmed” – but all in all, this was one of the smoothest Christmases we’ve ever had. Still, every year I’m reminded how different the holidays are for our family – autism doesn’t do big extended family gatherings and celebrations very well. The boys love the extra services and all the extra family prayer times though. We didn’t miss a single one of our evening prayer/Advent/Jesse Tree times together this year — which is quite a feat considering the Nativity Fast is 40 days long. :)

Now it’s the morning after Christmas Day, and we woke up to a freezing cold house and broken furnace (thankfully we were able to get it fixed quickly, and Grandma’s house was already in the plans for the boys today since I had an MRI at noon). I couldn’t believe how quickly the cold broke into our little home – it stole into everything… including my bones and joints. I’m so thankful the heat is back on again now… and praying that God provides us with a woodstove sooner rather than later — there’s just something so reliable about wood heat! I love the depth of the warmth of wood heat too… for now, I’m recovering from the MRI at my mom’s, enjoying the nice warm house, while my house “heats up” (the furnace was fixed just a few minutes ago).

These first few days of the 12 days of Christmas will be busy ones for me… Today was the MRI (which went very smoothly, Glory to God), tomorrow I see a new rheumatologist and my faithful chiropractor, and on Wednesday I’ll have another IV in the morning, as well as a visit to my cardiologist in the afternoon. God-willing, the rest of the week will be spent recouping from all the doctor visits, and preparing myself for next weekend. :) We’ll be celebrating the Feast of St. Basil the Great (and of course the New Year) on Sunday – and it’s one of those saint feasts that are very special to us. Plus, this coming New Year’s Eve my Mister and I will be counting our 16th New Year together. Sixteen years ago this Saturday he asked me to marry him (in front of the entire little baptist church I attended at the time!)… and we could never have dreamed where we’d be sixteen years later. (I was still sixteen that New Year’s Eve too… hmmm…) :) What an adventure we’ve had together! So many memories… so much joy… and many sorrows too… a lot happens over 16 years.

Life never ceases to amaze me. No matter how much we project – how much we plan – we really have no idea what the future holds. The only thing we can know for sure is that if we surrender to God’s Will for our lives, He will lead us on the path of our salvation. Theosis – the fullness of salvation – is not something easily obtained… it is not something we are just granted… it is something we strive towards in the Grace of God. He has made the Way — we must walk it – He won’t make us walk it alone, but we must walk. Life is hard, but it is good. We struggle towards holiness, towards His Truth – we say we follow after Him, and He makes the way straight before us. It might lead through darkness, it might lead over mountains and valleys, but it is a straight path toward the Kingdom of Heaven.

Life makes no sense if it is not lived in the light of The Way – in the knowledge of this Reality. We are all dying… from the moment we are conceived, our days are numbered… each moment passed out to us in all its fading glory, and we only receive it once. May I not take a single one for granted. Here I’ve celebrated another Christmas Day – and my heart is rejoicing in the Light of the Kingdom Come… even as it pounds its crazy beat, thrown off by the MRI and other excitements of the last few days. “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.” (Psalm 73:26) I am weary… but so grateful for these moments I’ve been given. When my last moment in this realm of Time passes, may I be able to say I’ve lived them all in gratitude to the Giver of all Good Things…

Amen. So be it.

Counting the ways He loves me:

1261… swirling sky sculpted in clouds and wind

1262… tin whistles

1263… stockings stuffed with smiles

1264… stocking caps warming cold ears

1265… family gatherings

1266… giving little gifts

1267… special gifts from Godparents

1268… boy pajamas from Grandma

1269… new books, books, books!!!! :)

1270… stomach shots — I ate a full meal for Christmas!! :) A little ham, some buttered carrots, a little corn bread, AND cranberry sauce! :)

1271… Dr. Kibert – my faithful, gentle, trusted chiropractor — such a blessing when my back goes out!

1272… MRI noise and crazy thumps… I’m not deaf! :)

1273… the blessing of attending ALL the Nativity services this year

1274… seeing the Professor help serve the Divine Liturgy on Christmas Eve morning… the only acolyte to be able to attend — his long legs definitely got a work out!

1275… clock chimes

1276… the hymns of the Nativity – such richness in song and theology

1277… working heaters

1278… warm showers

1279… busy schedules

1280… seeing my Mister and both my boys serving at Vespers for the Nativity together — so thankful they have that opportunity – our family is so blessed!

I apologize if this post seems less coherent than normal, I’m afraid my mind is slightly befuddled from everything that’s happened recently… God-willing, everything will have calmed down by next week — perhaps that weeks post will make a bit more sense! :)

Lord, have mercy…

Life and Growth…

The cold bites my cheeks… the wind, like knives of air, cuts through to my skin… the sun is bright – shining golden on the field of Christmas trees we’re surrounded by – warming the churned up frozen ground. In the distance, Mt. Hood, stands rising out of its neighboring foothills. I’ve grown up in the shadow of This Mountain… always felt its presence as “home”. Feeling its constancy is comforting… the same kind of comfort that I get when I see the moon, or the river, or an old-growth tree. It’s that solidity of presence you know when something has been around much longer than you have, and will continue to exist long after you’re gone. Sometimes there’s great comfort in the realization that my life really is a vapor… my breath, my moments, really are fleeting. The Mountain sits on the horizon in all its strength and constancy – wrapped in a new robe of white for winter. I can feel its presence standing guard as we go about our “Christmas Tree shopping”. :)

In our little corner of the world, getting a Christmas Tree involves driving a small distance to one of the many neighboring Christmas Tree Farmers, leaving $10.00 in a box on the front step, and going out to the fields to pick out your tree. This year, on The Professor’s birthday, we’re spending the day at Grandma’s house, and have the opportunity to go out with Papa to pick the tree for the living room. There are many trees, skimpy ones, full ones, stout ones, narrow ones… there’s the “perfect” tree for everyone somewhere… it just takes a bit to find it sometimes – usually just long enough for body parts to begin to go numb. :) We decide on the tree, and retreat to the car to warm fingers and noses, while The Professor helps Papa tie the tree to the top of the vehicle. Even though we don’t have to go far, Papa tells The Professor that the tree has to be tied on “just right”. I can’t imagine how stressful it would be to have to go all the way back to the city with a tree strapped to the top of a car… I’m glad The Professor is learning how to do it “right”… who knows where the future will take him.

Watching him from inside the vehicle… I am in awe. I can’t believe how tall he’s grown, how hard he willingly works… I can’t believe how far he’s come… most of all – I am in awe at how quickly the years have passed. Fourteen full rides around the sun… and looking at him I’m looking at the power of time… how all those moments have added up and grown a young man. This young man is different from everyone else – unique, just as each of us are. He is kind, creative, intelligent, hard-working, honest… he is what many of us wish we could be. In many ways autism has taken his strengths and fortified them, and while it has helped shape who he is, it has not defined him… perhaps because we never allowed it to. The weaknesses he struggles with echo everyone else’s – with more intensity… for him, all of life is just “more”. His moments hold so much more – so much most of us just take for granted – but for him it’s just life… it’s all he knows. His experience of the world is as unique as he is — just like everyone else’s.

It really is an amazing thing to be given the gift of life – this one-of-a-kind experience of growth and change. We all begin so small – like the tiny new one I was holding yesterday at a dear friend’s house – and yet, we’re all so different. Every life is this unbelievable blend of genes, passed down from couple to child, to couple to child… throughout ages and ages of time… genes traveling countless journeys around the sun, across miles of the globe as couples meet and love, and move – as family lines weave and blend together. There is so much beauty in this journey – so many lives lived and loved… Souls created and born, lives shared, deaths as unique as births – all spinning together on this orb in the vastness of space… so woven together that each life is entwined in a real way with every other.

Our human nature inexplicably connects us all… and this time of year we’re remembering how Christ Himself came to partake of this same human nature – He entered into this crazy spinning world… gazed in awe at this same moon as a toddler, tried to count the stars as a child that He had created before time began. He took on the genes we share… bore a phenotype uniquely his own, just like we all do. We call this the Incarnation… God becoming man – 100% God, 100% Man – but words cannot really describe such a reality. The One who is The Word, learned the languages of His culture… played toddler games with His Mother… knew the gift of a mother’s love. He Who created the beauty of fractals, learned His lessons as a child – like all children do. As the planet journeyed around the sun, He grew – just like we all do. Thirty-three times he traveled that journey… this God-Man who loved His creation so much, He had to become the revelation of Himself to them… had to make a way for Communion. The God of Creation became a partaker of our nature – so that we could partake of His. It is too terrible, too awesome, for the imagination… it is a reality only God Himself could think of… to make a way for each unique life He creates on this spinning orb to know real union with Him… a way for us to become Holy as He is Holy… to grow from glory to Glory.

How can I even desire such growth – such union? Me… this tiny one… smaller than all these souls who have come before me, or who walk this earth with me now… Can I really live this Way He provides? Only by His Grace… His Mercy…

His Love poured out in so many ways:

1241… surrounded by the scent of Christmas Trees

1242… lentils, hot from the stove

1243… baked apples, warm and spiced

1244… Tolkien books for The Professor

1245… hand-me down sweaters – for me! :)

1246… The Philosopher curled up with The Secret Garden for the umpteenth time

1247… Papa and The Professor wrestling the Christmas Tree

1248… mud on my cane

1249… Christmas Lights!

1250… heavy blankets

1251… Christmas Music on the car radio

1252… a new little life – newly illumined — Many years little Elsa!

1253… a knitted teddy bear and sweater to gift

1254… laughing with friends around their dining table

1255… wood heat – warm to the bone

1256… tiny baptism crosses

1257… 14 years with The Professor

1258… over 15 1/2 years as wife to my Mister

1259… 2 weeks until the Nativity of Christ :)

1260… 9 days until my brother comes home for a visit!

So very much to be grateful for! As this small life of mine continues to journey around the sun, I am in awe of the many blessings that are continually poured out upon me. The only response I have is gratitude – thanksgiving – every moment living eucharisteo…

Lord, have mercy…

Love and Life…

The whisper of my breath… in and out – the rhythm of my heart… whether pounding, stabbing, cramping – it’s all so basic…
But the basics are not always simple – in fact often what seems so easy is actually very complex. There’s a lot of complicated interactions going on within our bodies – things we don’t have to consciously think about… our life support systems, our organs, even our cells run things pretty much on their own. It’s a beautiful thing – all of it orchestrated so smoothly – each process adding its own harmony with the others, creating a symphony we simply call life. We take it entirely for granted – unless one of the harmonies gets off… if more than one gets “out of step” with the others… then we really take notice. Whatever the cause, whatever the manifestation, it directly effects our lives – often in far reaching ways. What is purely physical, has emotional, mental, and social ramifications we’re never ready for…

No one likes to be reminded that this beautiful symphony of life is only temporary. At some point, every symphony comes to an end… whether it leaves you in breathless wonder and awe, or just relieved to have the sound stop… there is always an end. It takes a special person to be able to face that reality in the lives of others on a regular basis, without letting it turn your heart to some kind of stone – hardening it against the pain of such deep Truth. Perhaps this is why there appear to be two types of people in the medical field – those who are compassionate, who take an interest in people’s lives and sincerely want to help them, and those who are cold, hard-hearted… who don’t remember that their patients are actually other human beings in need of help. I guess if you see enough sick people, it’s easy to forget that no one chooses to have the harmonies of their life get out of tune or off beat.

There is a train of thought floating around “out there” that goes something like this… “There are people who don’t want to get better… or… There are people who’s identity is wrapped up in their illness, if they were to get well, they wouldn’t know what to do or who they are… so they sabotage themselves… they don’t really want to be healthy.” Or some other such nonsense. For the record… I’ve met A LOT of chronically ill people in my life… and I have yet to meet one who wasn’t trying to do everything in their power to be well – often spending every last cent they have, and plenty that they don’t have in search of a “cure”. They go out of their way to try every crazy cure-all, every vitamin or mineral, every prayer, EVERYTHING that anyone suggests – whether crook, family member, friend, or enemy. The fabled hypochondriac is just that – a fable – a fallacy created by others so that they no longer have to feel the pain of compassion. Afterall, if someone is choosing to be ill, then they don’t require help or care because they don’t really want it.

Pardon the sentiment… but that’s a bunch of bull.

The sick have been given to this world for the same reason as the poor… they are here to help us “work out our salvation with fear and trembling”. When then End of All Things comes, it will be those who have fed the hungry, clothed the naked, visited the sick and imprisoned… those who have lived lives of humility and love… who will know the complete union with the God of Love… for they have begun that union even now… in living lives of love. You cannot love if there is no one to show that love to… we require others in order to fulfill our calling in life. Following Christ means living a life of complete love… giving the reality of love flesh… and this life by definition requires other people to reveal that love to… or it isn’t real love, only the shadow of it… (which is actually self-love – a twisted, soul-sick thing).

Our God is an All-Consuming Fire, but the fire of His Love consumes only all that is not love. If our lives have been lived within that fire – tempered by that all-consuming flame – then we will begin to glow with it now (as iron glows in a fire)… and made strong in its heat, we will be able to endure the radiance of His Love in the Time to Come. Those who have not loved, will be consumed by the reality of this Fire of Love that cannot be quenched. We will not be able to bear it, if we have not born the burdens of others with them… if we haven’t already learned the language and power of this life-changing Love. How can we learn this life if we have no one to show love to? And true love is given to those who can give little or nothing in return… we do not love in order to receive love… that is not the Love of Christ.

Christ’s Love is a suffering love… it is compassionate – with passion (in the ancient sense) – it suffers with others, and so bears their burdens. I’ve said it before… Love hurts. It hurts to see people hungry, to see them in pain, to see them dying… When we love someone our hearts are laid bare for them. They will hurt us – whether by words, or deeds (or non-deeds) – by dying, or by suffering in front of us – by misunderstandings, or disagreements – by joys unshared, or expectations unmet… in some way we will be hurt. And that is when we can become more like Christ… it is then our life can live out the truth, “I must decrease, and He must increase.” Real love remembers the Truth beyond the pain… and it realizes the pain is an integral part of the joy. Love is the ultimate “bright-sadness” – as the times of the Fasts teach us…

So, how do we learn this love? We don’t… we live it. And we take the time to stop, to remember… we are to love everyone. Not just those who love us… We are to love the cold-hearted, the uncaring… we must remember that we need them. They are the ones who make us more and more like the One Who is Love.

“You have heard it said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:43-48

You might not want to believe me… but this is not a metaphorical statement… This is really what Christ demands of those who would “take up their cross and follow Him”. It is not easy… the life of a Christian was never meant to be easy. That’s why it’s called The Way of the Cross. In His last long discourse with the disciples that fateful Passover night, when He was talking about union with Himself and union with the Father, He said, “These things I command you, that you love one another.” (John 15:17) That’s really the essence of abiding in Him. Living the depth of this reality of all-consuming love… A love that dies to self, and lives for Christ – seeing Him in every other person. For He is Life.

It’s very basic… but there’s nothing simple about it.

I’m still counting the ways He loves:

1221… thick fog wrapping the world in mystery

1222… a mouse in the wall… shall we call him Chewbacca? He sure does chew loud! :)

1223… hot soup on a cold afternoon

1224… seeing with excitement the gift for The Professor’s 14th birthday coming next week… it’s so hard to wait to give it to him!

1225… heart-racing, blood pressure low, laughing with my boys

1226… wrapped in my mother’s warm robe

1227… busy nurses

1228… the gift of being reminded to be humble

1229… golden evening light

1230… incense hovering low

1231… prayers for a dear, grieving heart

1232… pain and joy

1233… the sorrow of letting go – letting grow

1234… prayer that softens the heart in tears

1235… candle glow – Faith, Hope, Love, Peace

1236… candy canes

1237… The Philosopher wants cashews in his stocking… the only Christmas request so far :)

1238… The Professor wants oranges :)

1239… waiting for my MRI

1240… the coming birthday weekend :)

May we all continue to learn to love in living it — one moment at a time… then all of our lives will be prayer – Communion with the God of Love…

Lord, have mercy…

Love and Communion…

I finally saw my neurologist yesterday, and I now know why she wanted to talk to me in person, rather than to try and explain my EEG results over the phone. Let’s just say that… it’s complicated. Again. Most of my brain waves are pretty normal, but there are areas/times of slowing, and then spiking… it’s odd. She said it doesn’t look like epilepsy (though it would be accurate to say it predisposes me to be epileptic), but my brain is definitely behaving “abnormally”. Of course, the first thing to do is another MRI – on one of the new Tesla 3 machines (which I’ve heard are even louder) – and then we’ll go from there. She strongly suggested that after the holidays we take a few days to admit me to the hospital for continuous testing – that’s the only way to see if we can connect any of the symptoms I’m experiencing to the brain wave abnormalities. We’ll see. Truthfully, I just want to get to the bottom of all this craziness. If the brain wave issues are just caused by the dysautonomia (it’s your autonomic nervous system that runs your brain waves afterall), then we’ll have to find a way to “support” them like we’re trying to do with my heart rate, blood pressure and hydration levels. But if this is something unrelated, then we have to figure out what is going on.

This was my first week having 2 IVs instead of just one, and I can definitely feel the difference today after my second one. I feel more alive… if that makes sense. Unfortunately, my body is already dumping water like I’m part of some kind of deranged water-cycle… which means the heart cramps and the like will probably be back by tomorrow evening at the latest. I’m trying to eat plenty of salt, and took the Florinef hoping to slow the “water dumping” process, but so far it’s not helping much. So frustrating!

********

In all this craziness, I’m trying really hard to remain focused on the things that really matter – all the little things that actually make up the moments of life. If I lose sight of the moments, then none of this will make sense… Lord, have mercy…

I’ve had a lot of time lately to lift up my dear ones in prayer… their burdens have been heavy on my heart. An old friend, brokenhearted… a far-away friend hoping to recover from her strokes in time to go home for Christmas… another dear heart who had a second miscarriage this past week… a friend who seems to be losing his way… and so many others. It seems my heart actually has room for them all, and all their pain… but all I can do for them is pray… whether that prayer comes in the from of words or tears… or both. I wish I could say I understand their sorrow, or that I had the words to bind up their wounds and make them whole. But I am not God… Only He can heal the wounds of our lives. Kyrie elieson! Lord, pour out upon us the healing oil of your loving kindness!

I don’t understand how He writes straight lines – paints beautiful stories – out of the chaotic mess of our lives. I’ve seen Him do it over and over and over again in the lives of the Saints… seen Him take struggle and forge holiness… I can only pray that He does the same in my life – and in the lives of my dear ones… that He makes sense out of non-sense… that what appears to be for evil, He works for good – just like in the life of Joseph… how He saved so many from the famine at Joseph’s hand. Joseph wouldn’t have been in the position to save his family if he hadn’t been sold into slavery… if he hadn’t been through all the years of suffering. God meant it for good. Our Jesse Tree – and the lives of the saints – make the reality of God’s control so vivid. Why do I fall into the trap of questioning and worry?

Because I am so small… a weak fool… slow to understand the realities I cannot see with my limited vision.

I am so human.

You know, love is a pain-full thing. The closer we draw to God, the more we love, the closer we draw to each other, and the more we feel each other’s pain. It is hard. This Communion is not just about words and fuzzy, vague notions of “unity”… it’s real life. The tears I cry for others, they are real tears… Their pain becomes mine… just like when our children hurt and we suffer the depth of it. Love is not for the faint of heart… and the depth of its reality would be unbearable without the support of Communion with God – in whatever feeble union we are able to understand. We cannot love others without the strength of our Creator to support us through the pain of it… the reality of it. Love is stronger than death – and more overwhelming.

So, when I fail to love… I fail to live this fullness of Communion. When I am harsh with my boys, impatient, or critical… when my words come out before I have time to know what I am saying… when I am thoughtless or condescending, when I fail… when I fall… it’s all sin… and it breaks that Communion with my Creator – damages that union with others. That is why we need healing, why we require the beauty of Confession, the reality of Forgiveness… it is the reason Christ came to make this healing possible for us… so that we could know what it is to love. This is where we find Life… in the reality of Love… because the fullness of salvation rests in partaking of the Divine Nature of the God who is Love…

Who can understand this mystery? It’s not meant to be understood, though… it’s meant to be lived. One moment… one life… one prayer… one tear at a time.

May we all find rest in the Will of the God of Love… the One Who writes straight with the crooked lines of our lives.

Lord, have mercy…

Blessed One…

It’s Monday again.

The morning went by quickly, and I now find myself laying in a hospital bed – with an IV in my arm. My cardiologist wants to try fluids twice a week for the next eight weeks and see if that makes more of an improvement in my blood pressure. We’ll see… I’m very thankful that the hospital closest to me has an IV therapy floor. It hasn’t been easy to juggle rides and the family schedule for the once a week appointments – I’m not sure how twice a week is going to work out. I guess we’ll find out as the week goes by.

It’s fairly quiet here. The whirr of the IV pump, and the ticking of the clock on the wall, are the only sounds in my little room… every once in awhile the phone rings at the nurses desk outside my door… or someone walks by with those purposeful, quick strides common to nurses (and others who walk the halls of hospitals). I keep my door wide open (it’s claustrophobic with it closed) – keeps away any hint of loneliness that might creep in. Every once in awhile an alarm might sound somewhere on the floor, or I can hear the regular beeping of a piece of machinery that’s helping someone somewhere.

At the moment I’m taking a break from listening to the sermons I’m archiving… I just now found a machine I can listen to them on and I have a lot of catching up to do. At least I don’t have to be worried about being bored during all these hours of IVs I have in my future — and it’s so nice to feel productive. Perhaps at some point I’ll figure out how to do some drawing with this thing in my arm too. :) As of now, I have the proper angle figured out for typing, so I can take notes on the sermons, and have the opportunity to blog too.

My heart is pounding quite a bit right now. I suppose it’s working hard, assimilating the fluid into my blood stream – though my pain level has dropped some, so my blood pressure has actually gone down since I first arrived. Thankfully, the beats aren’t stabbing me right now – perhaps the extra fluid helps with that too. I do feel so tired. Weary. I’m thankful for this bed – and the quiet. It does take a long time to get these fluid “fill ups” – but in a way, it’s a nice break. There’s no chores staring me in the face that need doing, no requirements of daily life that I can do right now – all I can do is lay here… and I don’t have to feel guilty about it! :)

It’s funny the things you think about when you’re alone in the quiet. I feel The Prayer rise up from deep within – and with it, the names of ones who are dear to me. People far away, like my friend Jenni – a young woman my age, who has ME/CFS like me – she had a stroke about a month ago, and multiple ones since then… she’s praying to be able to go home to her husband and kids by Christmas. And my friend Ericka (another far away friend) who also has Dysautonomia – her veins gave out from all the IVs, and at this moment she’s in the hospital having a permanent port put in for fluids… Lord, have mercy… And there are names of people close by – friends and family… naming themselves to the pounding beats of my heart. How is it possible to care so deeply for so many? There’s always room for one more. Always time for one more… Lord, have mercy…

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me…

I am so thankful – so grateful to know all these dear ones… Blessed One… that should have been my name. :) What have I done to be given so much? The tears just come, unbidden, I am so very grateful. God is good… Even on those days when I’m just too tired to go on… those days when I just want my body to “get well, or quit already” – even then, I cannot deny the many, many blessings I am granted every day – all the little things that add up to such beauty. I wouldn’t have missed all this, wouldn’t miss any moment I’ve been given, for anything. Glory to God for All Things…

1201… Leaves at my feet – bright red, golden yellow

1202… quiet rain dancing on the roof

1203… swishing wipers across the windshield adding to the symphony of the day

1204… family willing to work schedules to help me

1205… visiting with a dear friend “home” for Thanksgiving — it was so good to see her!

1206… laughing with friends gathered together to celebrate her visit :)

1207… the flexibility of my boys – when I know it’s so hard for them

1208… listening to The Professor talk about the MLS rocket which recently left for Mars

1209… rejoicing with him as he makes strides towards finishing his iPhone app update

1210… making plans to read The Philosopher’s newest additions to the book he’s writing

1211… taking the time to draw icon cards – and enjoying every minute of it

1212… The Philosopher headed out shopping at Michael’s with his aunt :)

1213… Remembering the Presence of God

1214… preparing my heart – it is the Nativity Fast

1215… popcorn and Almond Dream while watching the Marx Brothers “Go West” :)

1216… boys laughing, laughing, laughing – quick witted, improv loving, whoever said that autistics have no sense of humor was just plain wrong… :) with my three guys in the house no one could ever tell me, “You don’t laugh enough.”

1217… waiting to hear the news from my neurologist – Lord, have mercy

1218… my Mister’s steady hands – always keeping me safe, even when he has to give me shots

1219… telling the boys stories from our younger years – and of course, laughing :)

1220… water and suds warming my hands while I do the dishes… watching the wind out my kitchen window… “The wind blows where it wills, and you hear the sound thereof, but can not tell from where it came, and where it goes: so is everyone that is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

May this week reveal blessings beyond measure for all of you… we really are such “Blessed Ones”

Lord, have mercy…

The Busy-ness of Thanksgiving…

It’s been a busy week. Here in America we celebrated Thanksgiving this past Thursday, and between preparations, celebrations, and doctor visits… the week flew by. I had planned to post something vaguely encouraging or somewhat inspirational, but I’m afraid there just wasn’t time this week… aside from the fact that my brain is basically mush at the moment. It’s scary how hard it is to focus my thoughts right now, but my blood pressure has been pretty low (80/45 yesterday) – so that’s probably what’s causing it. (You do need blood in your brain if you want to think properly.) :)

I didn’t want to let this week of Thanksgiving pass without posting a few of the things I’m remembering with gratitude though. There’s so much to be thankful for…

1181… the opportunity to go to the Great Vespers for Thanksgiving Day

1182… finally meeting my sister’s boyfriend – a sweet guy… :)

1183… Cheryl my IV nurse, and how she works her schedule to get me in

1184… my naturopath and “gentle experiments” that work

1185… being able to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with my family

1186… sending out a handmade card to a dear friend

1187… having an entire day with my Mister – no schoolwork for him, no work, no doctor appointments – just time with family and each other

1188… falling asleep in his arms in the afternoon

1189… drawing pencils

1190… sunshine through the cedars

1191… working internet

1192… eavesdropping on the boys as they debate the logistics of tic-tac-toe played in four dimensions… LOL! :)

1193… brown rice in the rice pot

1194… watching The Muppets Christmas Carol on Thanksgiving Day – just like we do every year :)

1195… thinking about The Professor’s upcoming 14th birthday

1196… my Mister’s job – hardwork, but he’s really able to help people, AND we actually have decent health insurance… :)

1197… hoping to meet with my neurologist this week

1198… so grateful for The Faith, and St. George’s – I still tear up when I stop and think about how long the journey was to get here – and how blessed I am

1199… the joys of the Nativity Fast :)

1200… the strength of Christ in my weaknesses

I hope each of you had a blessed Thanksgiving… may we all learn to be people of eucharisteo — people of thanksgiving…

Lord, have mercy…