Remembering and Rambling…

St. Herman of Alaska Monastery

What a whirlwind these last weeks have been! The build up of Great Lent and Holy Week to the climax of Pascha isn’t something that can be properly explained — it’s one of those experiences that has to be lived to be understood… suffice it to say things have been very intense around here… and very beautiful.

Right now I’m letting the boys sleep in, and I’m enjoying the silence around me (other than the sound of one of our beloved cats snoring somewhere nearby – she’s aging along with the rest of us). I’m still wrapped in my robe, curled up on the couch – I dare not look around this room… at the moment it looks like a bookstore threw up in here. :) There’s not much room for anything else between the laundry I’m putting away/packing for our trip north and the books taking up their spaces on every surface available… There’s something comforting about a room brimming with books (though I’ll admit the clutter gets to me sometimes), and in a homeschooling family like ours there’s always something within reach to read. From where I’m sitting I can see a Psalter, a number of prayer books, a theology book, the life of Elder Barsanuphius (one The Philosopher is reading, he’s about 1/3 of the way through its 814 pages), a worn and well-loved copy of Swiss Family Robinson, numerous classics, The Professor’s copy of Father Seraphim Rose which is so well-loved it’s falling apart (he reads all his books well beyond the “taped together” phase – don’t ask to see his prayer books…), as well as a plethora of others ranging in subject from The Far Side to Programming in Objective C — and we still haven’t unpacked the “school books” yet. After homeschooling as long as we have, I’ll admit – I’m not worried about the school books… we’ll get them out eventually, and use them rarely. There’s too much else to learn… :)

Sitting here listening to the birds outside — all these new birdsongs that are not familiar yet — I’m in awe of this little life I’ve been given. How many people live their dreams like I do? How many people even let themselves have the opportunity to dream in the first place? This world isn’t friendly to dreamers. In fact, if you aren’t careful this world will eat you alive along with your dreams. But I’ve been blessed. Blessed beyond measure.

Every day I wake up as the mother of two amazing sons. I’ve been given the gift of watching them learn and grow — thanks to The Professor I’ve been a mother for 15 years now… 15 years learning patience, humility, gratitude, and love… and yet I find myself still knowing so little. The lessons I’ve been given to learn in this life are ones that require an entire lifetime, and my total devotion. This last year in particular I have learned that God really is good. God is good. And those aren’t just words. Everything that is allowed by His Providence is good. All the struggle, the heartache, the pain — all the confusion and sorrow — everything that throws us on our knees at His feet… it is all the gift of Grace. Our aim in life is to become like Christ – that cannot happen without a lot of change on our part… and it is that change… that real, ontological change, that is what happens to us in this journey of Life. It is our growth from glory to Glory that begins now… and in embracing the Cross we are given, we embrace the Will of God for the salvation of our souls. How can we not have His peace that surpasses understanding? How can we not trust? Nothing can separate us from His love — nothing. In my moments of clarity I know this so deeply my bones ache with the weight of its Truth. I want to spill the reality of it out upon all my loved ones — I want the universe to know this Rest… All creation is Renewed in the Paschal Light… it is.

But of course… those moments of clarity are usually eclipsed by the day to day reality of life. :) I know the Truth, but I only allow it to set me free in the moments where it forces itself upon me… those flashes of the Deep Reality I rarely see. I am so human… so small. I know the depth of my humanity — but it’s hard for me to remember that it is the same human nature Christ has united to His Divine Nature… all really is made New. God is God, and I have no need of anything else. I do not have to guess what He wants from me, I do not have to search and be confused as to His Will for me… His Will is now. It is my union with Him in this moment… and this one… and this one. It is the salvation of my soul lived out now. There is no need for any other struggle than to remain in the Constant Awareness of His Presence… and that is definitely struggle enough for an entire lifetime. It is the Struggle, and the only true Rest – the ultimate paradox of Peace that passes all understanding… no matter the storm.

Easy to say – every once in awhile it isn’t too hard to grasp — but to live it… impossible of our own volition and strength.

But with God all things are possible. :) I keep telling myself that at the end of my days, when I’ve caught myself raising my voice in frustration, when I’ve forgotten yet again that tasks aren’t as important as people, when I’ve hurt in trying to help… thank goodness for the balm of Confession, and wise spiritual direction to help me refocus myself frequently. How simple it is to just get “lost” – to get so wrapped up in day to day life you don’t even see the moments you’re living… It’s so easy to be home and yet not ever find yourself actually there — my mind runs on ahead to a thousand other places, and I lose what I’m supposed to be treasuring. God is truly everywhere, filling all things, all times, all places… so yes, He is there in the future my mind runs to — but I’m not. I am here. Now. In this moment – this beating heart, this given-breath – this is where I can meet God. He is not met in my thoughts, He is met in me. Here. It is easy for us to forget that it is our souls and our bodies together that are being transformed into the likeness of Christ. Eternity is for the entirety of our being – we were made for immortality, and the defeat of Death and finite-ism has already been accomplished in the Victory of Pascha. It’s especially easy to forget this for those of us who struggle with bodies we consider uncooperative – ill or broken in some way – unwilling, or unable to do what we think needs to be done. But our bodies are already beginning their ontological change – even now – we begin the salvation and sanctification of our souls and bodies in the life we’re living now in the Light of our Baptism and Chrismation… Christ has made the Way for us to be united to Him… really and truly – to become partakers of His Divine Nature… The Cross is our Glory. I would do well not to forget… to remember the Deep Reality. To embrace the glory of my crosses… and so embrace the Will of God.

In never-ending, ever-increasing Gratitude – I’m still practicing the Remembrance of God:

1441… Confession

1442… water pump working – creek water for washing clothes!

1443… Communion

1444… fixed sink – twice!

1445… Cucumbers – fresh and cool

1446… Chant recordings

1447… monks visiting

1448… knitting rhythm

1449… university audio lectures – The Fellowship of the Ring :)

1450… sleeping cats

1451… rest

1452… dishes

1453… warm water

1454… rocking chairs

1455… bread baked before bed

1456…emails

1457… snail mail letters

1458… pie made for us by hand (from our landlady!)

1459… gift giving and receiving

1460… happy husband

1461… boy laughter

1462… Psalms in the morning

1463… “May God forgive…”

1464… Pre-Sanctified Liturgies

1465… sunbeams – streams of light

1466… dog love

1467… voices chanting prayers

1468… Tolkein Poetry

1469… online chats with my Mister while he’s at work

1470… learning balance

1471… letter writing

1472… remembering gratitude

1473… reminiscing with my Mister

1474… audio recordings of far away friends

1475… slow days

1476… Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra movies

1477… simple meals

1478… fans

1479… puppet videos made by the boys

1480… sandpaper cat tongues

1481… moments with my Mister – my best friend

1482… Lazarus Saturday

1483… “Peace be unto all…”

1484… sunlight on golden threads

1485… Victory Palms

1486… Evening Kathisma

1487… night-time bread baking

1488… Philosopher snuggles

1489… Palm/Willow Sunday

1490… giving a monk from Russia a ride

1491… Fiddler on the Roof!!

1492… live orchestras

1493… just Mister and me

1494… willing babysitters

1495… possible new neighbors!

1496… air conditioner in the boys room – working!

1497… recovery day

1498… soggy cereal

1499… “real” books

1500… guacamole

1501… Holy Monday

1502… boys in vestments

1503… Gospel readings

1504… patches of sunlight on the chapel floor

1505… grass “gone to seed”

1506… new air conditioner in the living room!

1507… trees clothed in green again

1508… setting sunlight on golden hair — the Philosopher prostrated in prayer

1509… “Let my prayer arise…”

1510… Confession first thing in the morning

1511… “You’re a nice lady…” :)

1512… waiting for patience :)

1513… “Hear us, O God…”

1514… Holy Unction

1515… seven anointings

1516… Mister home early

1517… baking bread first thing in the morning

1518… sleeping in

1519… waking to a cat snoring beside me

1520… Commemoration of the Mystical Supper – the Eucharist

1521… Communion with Christ in Suffering

1522… sunset rays on Christ’s icon

1523… the 12 Gospel Readings

1524… flowers around the “tomb of Christ”

1525… celery sticks and peanut butter

1526… resting between services

1527… contemplating the Panagia on that Great and Holy Friday – always with mother-love tears

1528… Pascha feast preparations

1529… memories of when the boys were small

1530… Mother-Love

1531… weathered storms

1532… defrosted meat! :)

1533… PASCHA!!!!!!

1534… red eggs

1535… “Christ is Risen from the dead…”

1536… forehead kisses

1537… feasting in the early morning hours

1538… celebrations in Community!

1539… chicken salad with Ranch!

1540… quiet, peaceful joy

1541… explosive joy!

1542… “the best Pascha ever!” – according to the Philosopher :)

1543… glowing faces in procession – joy and candlelight

1544… the Professor and Philosopher serving at the altar with my Mister – Blessed Feast of Feasts!!!

1545… shared glances of joy and awe

1546… gentle rain

1547… the smell of wet earth

1548… banana bread baking

1549… being a wife and mother

1550… haircuts accomplished

1551… Mister and I still dreaming together after all these years

1552… “…trampling down Death by death…”

1553… cottage cheese :)

1554… cat naps

1555… cool, cloudy days

1556.. icon gifts

1557… book shopping :)

1558… spiritual reading – encouragement for the soul

1559… protein shakes

1560… life of St. Martyr Tsar Nicholas

1561… rainy days

1562… boys playing outside

1563… fresh flowers in the chapel

1564… Paschal Hours

1565… puppet laughter :)

1566… Laundry

1567… packing preparations

1568… hubby home early – surprise!!! :)

1569… morning snuggles

1570… travel excitement

1571… washing machine working

1572… kitty love

1573… our 3rd year Anniversary of becoming Orthodox!!

1574… road trips!!!

1575… visiting family

1576… looking at old pictures

1577… Akathist prayers

1578… old puppy dog eyes

1579… loose skirts in the heat

1580… Mother’s Day – three generations of mothers celebrating together – a houseful!! :)

Sorry there were so many today… I’m behind in posting, but I’ve been trying to keep track even when I can’t find time to post. Right now, my goal is to stop seven times a day and notice what God is giving me… I don’t always accomplish it… often my moments are lost… but at least it’s a goal. :)

May the Light of this Paschal Season shine on us all as we strive to remember the Grace and Goodness of God!!

Lord, have mercy…

Waking Up…

It’s Spring… the world is being reborn…

…and me — I’m coming alive here too – in this new place… waking up deep within, amid the piles of dirty dishes, and laundry… the broken sink pipes, and purple buds on the trees outside the front window — this land with sunshine so bright its orange taints the blackness behind my closed eyes.

The air in our home here, even as we just live our day by day lives, is heavy with the scent of prayer. It comes home with us every evening after Compline at the monastery… its effect smoldering inside of us, changing us from the inside out – a spiritual fragrance we don’t even notice on a conscious level anymore. Here the purpose of prayer is so much more obvious… it changes us, in our Communion with God it is we who change… whether our circumstances change or not is of much less importance. We pray not for change, but in order to be changed — from the inside out — that scent smoldering within as incense… ever rising from glory to glory.

The more I am here… in this now… the more I realize it doesn’t matter where I am. It doesn’t matter what my circumstances are, the only thing that matters is “the one thing needful”. Am I taking this moment – this one right here, and here, and here – am I living this moment for God? Now. Am I breathing His Life, resting in His Will… asking for nothing else but where He has me now? Am I accepting with gratitude the reality of the life He’s given me? Or am I striving to live a different life – trying to sanctify a life that is not even real? Hoping for “some day” to come… that elusive day where my health is perfect, my family is perfect, my home is immaculate, my plans are running along smoothly so that I can finally “begin to live for God”… What a sneaky lie – fooling us into thinking we’re living for God by trying to live the life we think we should be living, rather than the one He’s given us to live.

I’ve realized that in my pride, I’ve been trying for years to become well, stronger, more “useful” – my focus has been entirely on making myself different so that I can somehow start “living” my life again. I would have moments here and there of realization – pockets of time when I would understand that living in this kind of denial, or waiting for a future point, was causing me to miss out on the reality of my life now… There were blippits here and there where I noticed that something was amiss… often I would write about it. About how I was going to start really living now, and not worry so much about later… about how I was tired of missing out on my days now in striving so hard for future ones… I was just throwing myself through time, catching only fractions of moments here and there… completely unable to really live my life since I was so busy trying to get to a point where I could start “actually” living it. How many years were wasted that way? How many moments have I missed? And who told me that just because I wasn’t a version of my younger, pre-ill self that somehow my life now — this very second – isn’t valuable? The fact that it is, that this life is the one I’m living, means that God is using it for the salvation of my soul… how much more valuable can you get?!

It’s true… my life — as broken as my body is, as exhausted as I am, as confused as my mind gets — this life is the path I’ve been put on for the salvation of my soul… this is the life that is changing me… that is teaching me to pray… this is the life I’ve been given to learn to Commune with God… this is the life I’ve been given to help me on the path to theosis — May the Lord give the blessing!

This is the life I’ve been given.

Who am I to ask for anything else?

And how could I ever want anything more? This moment… this now… lived for God — this is all I need.

Glory to God for All Things.

Remembering the Constant Presence of God in Gratitude:

1421… patches of light – streaming through the monastery windows

1422… dishes piled high in the kitchen sink

1423… lap full of a snoring cat – snoozing to the rhythm of the rocking chair

1424… rocking myself to the rhythm of my heartbeat

1425… monk stories

1426… confession frequently with needed counsel

1427… cold cucumbers

1428… recording chant – friendly voices praising together

1429… sad goodbyes

1430… quiet knitting with bamboo needles

1431… fun lecture on the Lord of the Rings :)

1432… boys in vestments

1433… sleeping in

1434… sharing photos

1435… popcorn and stories

1436… crumpled pillows

1437… rest days – living each moment when my body is lead-like… these moments worthy of living too

1438… all of life has value, all of life is grace… it’s all gift

1439… protein shakes

1440… remembering to Remember God

“Awake my soul, why are you sleeping?”  Slowly, I am waking up…

Lord, have mercy…

Encouragement…

 I woke early today in order to get the family up and ready for Liturgy. We do not sleep in here on Saturdays and Sundays, and today was no different. We drove up the “mountain” bright and early, the chill of the night still clinging to the air – biting our noses and toes. When we arrived in the monastery chapel we took turns reverencing the icons and then found our places. Often I am basically alone on the women’s side – at the back snuggled up to the giant woodstove – but today was a special day. The Third Sunday of Great Lent we celebrate the Feast of the Precious and Life-Giving Cross (plus, on the Old Calendar it was a double feast day as the Feast of the Annunciation fell today as well!), and so we had quite a few pilgrims who came to celebrate with us. What a blessing to be surrounded by other women, not many, but still — it was so good to sit down to the meal in the trapeza at a table full of women… all of us smiling at each other and enjoying the joy of the feast day.

It was a rough week this week – definitely the third week of Lent… everything was a bit crazy – from a broken kitchen sink (which took days to fix, involving replacing pipes under the house!) – to my body deciding to have a pretty serious relapse. I hadn’t had any seizures since last October, but this week I’ve had quite a few little ones. Thank goodness I haven’t passed out or collapsed, they’ve just been the “quiet” kind that leave me looking like I’ve had a stroke, and utterly exhausted – with more muscle pain for good measure. Just sitting upright takes all my energy sometimes. I can feel my heart racing trying to keep my body upright, while everything seems to be made of lead. It’s like someone completely unplugs my body from its energy source, and it takes all my strength just to move from one room to another — or sometimes just to roll over. This has meant that I had to miss some services this week… not the end of the world, but it’s not fun to miss out and be stuck at home in a body that won’t cooperate. Thank goodness for Confession, it’s kept me sane amidst all the confusion, frustration, disappointment, and discouragement.

Today has been such a “pick-me-up” after the struggle of the past couple of weeks. What a wonderful thing to have a feast day of the Cross right in the middle of our Lenten journey! It’s like an oasis in the surrounding desert of the Fast. We sing a song at St. Herman’s after Compline in the evenings that tells of the Glory of the Cross:

“The Cross is the guardian
Of the whole world.
The Cross is the beauty
Of the Church.
The Cross is the might of Kings -
The Cross, Angel’s Glory -
And wound to demons.”

In the Cross there is Glory – and so we know that it’s in and through our struggles that we know victory. There is no Resurrection without the Cross…

Even the weather has been cooperative for the Feast – after days of rain, the sun has come out in all its glory – though it’s not what could be called “warm” as the wind is very blustery carrying with it that sense of freshness and newness spring winds often have… Up on the “mountain” I was blessed to sit in the courtyard and visit with a couple of the nuns who live nearby, and another woman who is moving here with her husband soon… (I’m so excited to have Veronica as a close neighbor! It’s going to be wonderful!) and while we were talking my mind kept losing itself in the sound of the wind in the trees… this relapse has brought with it the easy confusion and foggy mind that can be expected – so my sensory system is a little bit “off” and it’s hard for me to block out input and focus on other input right now. My brain thought the sound of the wind was more intense than anything at that moment… this wind blew deep, with a largeness – a fullness – and a brief glance up revealed the treetops dancing with the sunlight. Beautiful. Walking back to the car – I could feel that fullness of the wind all around me… it whipped my skirt against my legs and briefly held me in one place as I walked forward into its freshness… my entire body enlivened by the movement of the air, despite the weight my muscles seemed to carry.

It was one of those moments where the sun and the wind – all the world around you – reminds you that you are alive… and the reality of the Constant Presence of God hit me afresh — right there among the cars outside the monastery gate. It is the Feast of the Annunciation… Emmanuel – God is with us…

I am struggling through this Great Lent… and I am alive. I may be weary to the bone, I may be full of joy and laughter, I may be excited and worried and unsure – I may be all these things at once and more… but I am very much alive. As I stand in prayer (or barely hold myself up in a sitting position as the case may be), I Remember God… I breathe the air He has sent me, with the lungs He has lent me… I know His goodness, His Light and Life… I am encouraged…

…and I am full of gratitude.

Still counting the ways He loves me…

1401… kitchen sinks broken – and fixed!

1402… an amazing landlord

1403… kitty cat snuggles

1404… Confession – always there, free and ready to bring healing

1405… Akathists alone in the candlelight in my icon corner

1406… Sunday rests

1407… missing dear ones

1408… warm heaters

1409… a working washing machine – woohoo!! :)

1410… an abundance of creek water

1411… the color green – it’s spring :)

1412… dark chocolate presents

1413… a new vacuum cleaner!!!! (Cat hair – be gone!) :)

1414… loneliness

1415… banging screen door

1416… a real letter in the mail :)

1417… new knitting projects

1418… boys computer programs

1419… washing dishes and teaching math (the life of a homeschooling mom) :)

1420… the prayer of St. Ephraim repeated in the candlelight

Glory to God for All Things!

Lord, have mercy…

Learning Balance… (slowly)

Things are very busy here – in a quiet sort of way. Busy enough that I seem to be perpetually tired. I actually had a bit of a health crash this past weekend, but thankfully recovered quickly after basically taking the weekend to rest… (and having one of the Fathers come down and anoint me with holy oil and pray for me didn’t hurt!) At some point, life is going to have to teach me balance – I need to learn how to allow myself to rest as well as push myself… With this chronically weary body, I’ve become used to pushing myself to do anything and everything – whether it’s cooking meals and running the house, or as simple as having a sincere smile to share with others when they are around – but I’m so used to that constant “pushing” feel that even at rest my mind screams at me all the things I should be doing — laundry, lesson plan ideas, books to read, knitting projects I want to do… the list goes on and on…

…and all that internal noise blocks out the precious Quiet

You would think that I would know better by now. You would think that here – surrounded by people who are striving towards the Quiet – I would somehow do better. But I’m just me. I’m just me – in a new and beautiful place – but just me. Little Nonna. A simple, small soul, just trying… trying to learn to let go, to balance life, to rest… I’m not the quick learner or bright student that all my teachers told me I was. Learning academic studies well – getting all those “A’s” – did nothing for me. I filled my mind with facts, but learned nothing about how to live… and that’s what I want to learn before my time on this spinning orb is done. I want to know life… love… prayer. I want to carry around within me that Peace, that Quiet, I know in my little icon corner – when the candles burn low with their light flickering on the faces of those who learned the Way and lived it. I want to really live like they have… follow in the footsteps they’ve left behind.

It’s hard though.

There’s nothing easy about the Way I’ve chosen. The life of a Christian is a life of beauty and grace – wrapped in the struggle of a cross… Every soul carries a cross of one kind or another – all humanity struggles in some way. I want to use my crosses to find Communion. There is no Communion without a Cross. There never has been, and there never will be… Thank goodness for our crosses – we’ve all been given the path to Communion… with the God-Who-Has-Made-Himself-Known… and with each other.

Glory to God for All Things!!!

Trying to Remember the Presence of God:

1391… the scent of holy oil

1392… warming myself in the sunshine

1393… sun-warmed benches

1394… California rain

1395… Curious George Bread

1396… inspirational people

1397… new books

1398… Psalms in the morning

1399… visiting with pilgrims from St. George’s!

1400… 1400 reasons to be grateful! :)

Lord, have mercy…

Settling In…

  It’s been a week since we moved in to our new home. The house is looking more and more like a home, and we’re feeling more and more “settled in”. I even baked my first loaves of gluten free bread here  (using a gas oven at high altitude – I was pretty impressed)… as you can see, they turned out lovely. :) There are still plenty of boxes to unpack (in fact, at this rate I figure I’ll be unpacking until Pascha!), but we’re getting there. I have to admit, when I stop to realize what I’m doing day to day, there’s a certain sense of awe… of disbelief. After spending the last week having “our monks” over for coffee and conversation on a regular basis, and praying with them during services — it’s finally starting to sink in that we’re really here. I was standing in the Vigil on our first Saturday night since we moved here, and had a vivid flash back to the first time we visited St. Herman’s. We were just passing through that evening – in fact, we had driven an hour out of our way (on the way back from our pilgrimage to San Francisco) so that we could see the monastery, and we were able to stay only a couple of hours – we had to leave during the beginning of the Saturday night Vigil. Standing there, I suddenly remembered how very hard it was to leave that Vigil… for all of our family – how torn I felt – how hard it was to see my boys so sad to leave —  and I found myself crying slow, warm tears of gratitude, as I realized that I didn’t have to leave anymore. We’re really here. It hasn’t even been very long since that night last October either, but at the time we had no idea that this move was even possible — something like this was the stuff of dreams, not reality.

But here we are…

I’ve no idea why we’ve been blessed like this. I suppose there are not many families who would want to move to the middle of nowhere, for any reason, but for us it is a dream come true — not necessarily an easy dream, but a wonderful one nonetheless. Of course, our family life hasn’t changed much – we brought all our challenges and struggles with us (whether those are from health issues, autism, or whatever) – there is a deep sense of peace running underneath all the ins and outs of life though… we are where we belong. Life here is slower, simpler… things that are little stressors out in the rest of the world don’t matter here. No one cares what you’re wearing, or if your hair is cut right – it’s an autistic kid’s relaxation paradise. :) When we head out of our peaceful corner of the world here, and back into the “rest of the world,” we’ll have to deal with things like that again, but I can’t tell you how relaxing it is not to have to worry about them on a regular basis. People with autistic spectrum kids will know what a mean — I feel so free! :) There are plenty of other challenges to deal with, and having the minor things not matter at all anymore is a relief. Moving with autism in the family is so complicated – change is very difficult in the first place, and changing everything at once can be a nightmare. But moving here, while there’s still the confusion and emotional distress from “change” and “moving” – the day to day living of life is so much simpler… I can already tell the long term benefits for us are going to be manifold – including much more peace of heart.

Sitting at my table, basking in the California morning sunshine, I’m overflowing in gratitude.

Despite the heart cramps I’m dealing with daily (because, you know, moving involves movement - whether my body wants to or not – boxes have to be unpacked, meltdowns have to be calmed, the home needs to be run), and despite the daily challenges of living in our family life — I’m just so grateful to be here… to be living these moments – in this place, to be feeling my heart beat its rhythm of prayer… to have the opportunity to learn to understand it. Who am I to be given such a life? I’ve done nothing to deserve this – I am no one – just Little Nonna… My soul is small, simple… quiet. But here, in this place… when I am standing in the incense surrounded by candlelight and the chant of prayer… it fits.

Glory to God for all things…

Remembering the Constant Presence of God in this last week before the Great Fast…

1371… sun beams through the incense of morning services – the incense circling and rising with our prayers

1372… remembering the gathering of dear ones who helped us pack the UHaul on my birthday

1373… cats sunning themselves on the windowsill – California sunshine is a marvel to us all… :)

1374… blue skies… still :)

1375… days flying by in the rhythm of work, family life, and prayer

1376… preparing to Prepare – trying to get ourselves ready for Great Lent

1377… phone calls

1378… hearing The Professor doing his morning prayers… persistence embodied

1379… The Philosopher chanting in the Kliros with the monks…

1380… hearing about The Professor serving at the altar – managing the incense, cutting bread for antidoron, and loving every minute

1381… listening to the readings every evening during dinner at the monastery

1381… Cappy (the monastery’s giant dog) loving on us whenever he has the chance

1382… Cheesefare week

1383… chocolate chips melting in the sunshine

1384… fresh bread

1385… working on prayer rope knots in the warmth of the sun

1386… sharing our internet connection with the monks when needed

1387… the peace of Confession

1388… Skype calls with Mom and my sister :)

1389… knowing there’s a service every day, and if I have to go home from one for health reasons, I can just go back the next day (and the boys can stay – so no guilt!) :)

1390… living the phrase… “God-willing”  Insha’Allah as they say at St. George’s

While I miss my dear ones that are now about 8 hours away, my soul is at peace in the Quiet here -
and perhaps, just perhaps, I will be able to learn the gift of prayer…

Lord, have mercy…

Blessing and Challenge…

‘God give us the strength to pursue the path of crucifixion; there is no other way to be Christian.’

Fr. Seraphim Rose

Things have been very quiet in this corner, and possibly will be for awhile longer… but I have a good excuse. :) We’ve moved. And not just around the corner, or to another town — we’ve left our church home, our family — changed states. We packed up everything we own – left behind the cool, damp awakening of spring in the Pacific Northwest – and traveled south to the dry, mountainous land of Northern California. On the one hand it seems crazy… my mom helped us during the move and I believe her words were, “This isn’t rural – this is desolate!” :) And in a sense her words are accurate. We lived in a small rural town before – there were stores not too far away, but nothing was in walking distance… we were surrounded by woods and pasture lands — everything was a drive away. And we were used to it. We were used to driving an hour to St. George’s for services, in fact we used that hour for pre-communion prayers on Sunday mornings, and we scheduled that hour into the plans for the day whenever there was a service to attend. No one would have called us “city-folk” (or even “town-folk” really) by any stretch of the imagination. But our little home now is even further away from everything. :) There are people around. We have neighbors actually pretty close by – but the only store around is the General Store (which houses the post office as well), and the nearest anything else is an hour away. However… this small corner of the world has something that nowhere else has…

St. Herman’s Monastery

I’m sure you will recognize the name of this beautiful place from my previous posts – though I know it isn’t as well known in the States as it is overseas. Many, many pilgrims have passed through this place, many continue to come… but we are the first to be given the opportunity to move close by… and we felt that passing up this blessing would be crazier than uprooting ourselves and replanting nearby. This little home is only eight minutes from the monastery. We’ve actually had this home for a few months, but we were using it more like a “vacation house” – we’d come down and visit the monastery regularly – but when Mister found a better job in the town an hour away from here, we knew the time had come to make a permanent move. It hasn’t been easy though.

While knowing that this was where we needed to be, this is where our hearts are – here in this middle-of-nowhere, sun-laden, spiritual battleground – it isn’t easy to leave behind everything known. Life is a struggle of one kind or another wherever you are, there are joys and sorrows no matter where you live – but we are all comfortable with what we know. And we were happy with the status quo. We lived a few minutes from family and enjoyed spending time with them regularly. My grandma had just moved in with my mom, so we often had many generations together for dinner and just enjoying each other’s company. One of my sisters is planning her wedding, and I loved spending time with her hearing about new ideas she’d seen on “Pinterest” for weddings. Plus, we were well loved in our parish community – in fact St. George’s was the center of our family life. If anything, we wanted to be able to be there more often – not less. The parish is an extension of our family, our godparents and godchildren are there… we love everyone very, very much. Thankfully, we are only half a day’s drive away now, so we can return and visit often. In fact, we’ll be back in 12 days for the Churching of my goddaughter and her new baby girl… so we haven’t just disappeared. Thankfully. (I’ve gained a new sense of gratitude for social media and the internet — living this far away from everyone isn’t nearly as hard as it would be without them — in fact, most of the time I’m just as connected with what is going on in everyone’s lives as I was when I lived close by! When Mister seriously injured his right arm during the move, I was able to inform everyone almost instantly – and we had the benefit of their prayers as we needed them… awesome in the truest sense of the word!)

Still, as hard as this move has been – every evening when we go up for Vespers, as I stand in the candlelight letting the sound of prayer wash over me, I remember why we’ve done it — and I marvel that we were even given this opportunity. We’re still figuring out the details of what life will be like here — actually, we’re still basically drowning in boxes (how is it that the things you need to use always seem to go missing in a move, no matter how carefully you mark the box?)… :) We now share our lives with the monks, we worship with them, we share in each others joys and sorrows – cover each other and our loved ones in prayer — but we are not monks. We live in “town” (in whatever sense that Platina can be called a town), :) and have also been welcomed into the community here (all 60 people or so). Hopefully we’ll be able to set this little home up as a way station for pilgrims who want to visit the monastery, but for one reason or another are unable to stay somewhere without electricity or “flushing toilets” ;) – people with young children, or those who are older, or in fragile health… we hope to be a place for them to stay while enjoying the blessings of visiting the monastery and partaking in services there — especially those who are near and dear to us. Also, while we have left behind our “old life” – we have not left behind our loved ones, here we are able to continue to pray for them in a life that will hopefully become even more centered on prayer. Distance is no hindrance to prayer.

I would ask your prayers too dear ones, as I pray for you. While my body is stronger than it’s been in a long time – which made it actually possible to make this move – it is still not “normal” in the strictest sense of the word. I have to be gentle with myself. Even though the type A personality in me wants to go, go, go, and get this house unpacked in a matter of days – my body is forcing me to take things slower. I set daily goals, and hope to reach them, or at least almost accomplish them – but there is a lot to do before this little home will be ready for pilgrims. Lord have mercy. :) Our little family doesn’t enjoy the chaos of boxes and unorganized “stuff” either – so please pray we are able to steadily make progress unpacking and setting up our little home. Today I’m basically sitting here staring at all the boxes as my body is mad about how hard I’ve been working, so I decided to use the time to catch up this little corner of cyberspace. After we’ve settled in, there should be more action here as I share our new life with the monastery. In the meantime, I’m still here… just changing physical locations. :)

Glory to God for all things…
Practicing the Constant Remembrance of God… with gratitude:

1351… my 34th birthday – spent packing a UHaul – I’m still here :)

1352… learning to make a prayer rope

1353… monks “stopping by” the house

1354… standing by the woodstove in the chapel – letting the heat soak into my bones

1355… sunshine after the rain

1356… setting up a new kitchen

1357… cold feet, fuzzy socks

1358… new yarn (can you ever have too much?) :)

1359… home made chocolate treats for my birthday

1360… making beds

1361… putting up icons

1362… Mister NOT needing surgery on his arm

1363… bookshelves waiting to be re-filled

1364… book boxes everywhere!!! (I’d say I might have too many books, but that just doesn’t seem possible) :)

1365… California sunshine — even in early March!

1366… new ovens

1367… meatfare week — wait, I haven’t had any meat yet! :)

1368… new photo opportunities

1369… trapeza readings

1370… praying for pilgrims

Let us remember to pray for each other as we embrace our crosses…

Lord, have mercy…

Of Energy and Entropy…

This is not a real post…

I’ve been using all my energy lately in other pursuits, so I’m afraid this little corner is once again falling by the wayside. It’s likely this pattern won’t last forever – at some point you’ll be hearing from me weekly again… it’s just that right now, I run out of time and energy before I get this far. My energy has been spent on very worthwhile things though. We’ve recently returned from another trip to St. Herman’s Monastery, and as always it was wonderful to visit with the monks there. It’s always so hard to leave… Also, this past month I’ve finally found an herbalist program that I can afford to do – which is also very well put together. At Heart of Herbs their Certified Herbalist Program allows you to pay for one course at a time, which is a financial commitment that I can actually fulfill. So far, I’m on the second course, and loving every minute of it – though I’ll admit the vocabulary in this course takes some brain power. It’s a lot of fun though… and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for years – totally worth the energy expenditure. :)

Wow… there’s just so much going on right now… it’s no wonder I’m so exhausted. Today I haven’t been able to really get moving at all – it’s pushing four o’clock and I’m still in my robe… my body still feels like I woke it up in the middle of the night after being awake for a couple days – that’s normal for mornings, but usually it wears off as the day goes on. This level of fatigue means I’ve accomplished almost nothing today… I can’t stand days like this. I did force myself out of bed, and didn’t allow myself to sit on the couch – I’ve spent the day at the kitchen table, doing dishes off and on… making the boys meals… forcing myself to move. But while that keeps me feeling somewhat human mentally, I’m beyond exhausted physically. Lately my heart seems to be mad at me whenever I’m upright too long. I get this cramping, burning, hot-poker-like, icy-hot, feeling in the bottom left side of my heart… it’s just terrible. Feels a bit like when the blood supply is cut off to a finger or something, only it’s in my heart itself. Of course, the feeling goes away as soon as I lay down… but some days that means laying down a lot more than I’m willing to… even sitting up is too much “uprightness” at times. I’m pretty sure it’s caused by a combination of low blood volume and my mitral valve prolapse giving me problems. When I talked to my cardiologist’s office she said it was probably coranary spasms (sp?), so that could be it too… but it doesn’t feel quite the same as the ones I’ve had before. Of course, that was just over the phone, I can’t afford to go in and see her right now, but when the time comes… I’m ready for another echo to see what’s going on in there.

If we were insured right now I’d be willing to go to the hospital just to have some saline fluids by IV – I know that’s really all I need. The fluids are a temporary fix, but temporary relief is still relief. On top of it all, I just found out today that my disability was denied – surprise, surprise… of course, my cardiologist said that would happen and she told me to appeal, so I will. It’s just disheartening… not that it really matters, but I’d like to have access to IVs when I need them, and I can’t afford 1000 dollars a month for saline. We’re going to be paying on my doctor bills from the months I was on it to stay alive far into the forseeable future. Well, I suppose it’s neither here nor there – whatever happens, happens… I can’t control circumstances, I can only control my reaction to them – and I’m choosing to focus as much as I can on all the things I have to be grateful for… This life is so fleeting – every moment is precious – I can’t afford to waste them in worry.

So here’s a few things I’m choosing to remember instead:
With Gratitude for the Grace of God:

1341… taking cats with us on the nine hour trip to St. Herman’s in the car – now there’s an adventure

1342… yarrow tea – with honey :)

1343… Grandma moving into my mom’s, the boys are thrilled to get to see their Great-Grandma regularly

1344… Facebook chats with dear friends I’ve never seen in person

1345… laughing with monks in the crisp winter air

1346… gluten-free bread – hits the spot

1347… warm wood-stove fires after the bitter cold outdoors

1348… dear-ones with babies about to make their way into the world any day

1349… chocolate hoarded from Christmas :)

1350… morning prayers in the silence of pre-dawn

There’s so much more to this life than our day to day struggles… may we never forget that.
Lord, have mercy…

2012 in review

Recent info on Nonna’s Neuropoetry:

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,900 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 7 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Thank you everyone for another great year in this little corner… :)

Sharing Hope…

There just hasn’t been time for words lately… hasn’t been time to pause and fill this little corner with thoughts and chronicles of happenings. And then, I just haven’t had the desire to search for any words that might be there either. There is a lot going on… transitions, the Nativity Fast winding up, the coming holidays, family needs… it all has kept me busy, and yet I still find myself spending much of my time having to rest. Not as much as before, but enough that it’s frustrating – many things are not getting done… this little corner has been sadly neglected from lack of time and lack of “oomph” – no energy for anything but the day to day living of life…

There is a lot I could write about today… I could spend the entire day sharing our most recent trip down to St. Herman’s Monastery – about the surprise snow, The Philosopher’s snow castle in the monastery courtyard, the sound of the chant illuminated in candlelight, the loudness of the snow crunching under our feet in the silence of the monastery… under a canopy of brilliant stars… the struggle of the Nativity Fast in the very air you breathe. I could share about The Professor’s 15th birthday. Every year I tend to do a post about this special day, but this year I’m not going to… adolescence is not easy on autistics, and my Professor is no different. We’re surviving, but tears and struggle seem to be par for the course whoever you are. We’ve chosen not to talk about being 15. I could speak of the spiritual struggles that always go with the Fasting seasons of the Church, and how this Nativity Fast has brought its own challenges – expected and unexpected… I might share with you the simple ups and downs of day to day life lately…

….or I could join my voice with the many others grieving for the losses of so many lives recently – first here in our mall in Clackamas, and then the horror of losing so many young ones in Connecticut… yet, I find that in the wake of such darkness, I don’t want to say anything. Silence seems the only rational response… to remain quiet enough to hear “Rachel weeping for her children” (Matthew 2:18), and join her in her lamentations.

Instead, I want to share something hopeful in my little corner here. I want to shine out Light… I want to somehow share love with humanity – to remind the world that this darkness that is trying to smother us is not all that this world has to offer. Humanity is not beyond redemption.

I’m only one small soul though. Just one small person on this spinning orb – one soul searching for Communion.  There is no other way to find meaning, no other way to explain existence without the Reality of Communion. In the coming Nativity of Christ we will celebrate the fullness of this Communion – humanity and divinity in unconfused union – God With Us. This is the fullness of hope for mankind… this Love Incarnate – He is the fullness of Pre-eternal Gift to humanity – that we might become like Him… be granted theosis - this is what The Way is all about. And this is why we can know hope and peace in the midst of darkness.

It is this Love that humanity was made to share.

In light of this, I want to share with you something one small soul decided to do to remind people in a concrete way that they are loved – to purposefully spread light and hope. This is a way that even one person can make a difference to anyone. Her name is Hannah, and this is the website she set up to spread the word – http://www.moreloveletters.com/- and here you can see a TED video where she shares how the entire adventure began – Love Letters To Strangers.  I have yet to join in this endeavor, but it’s on my priority list… as soon as I have left over energy. In discovering Hannah on TED, I also ended up discovering her blog http://hannahbrencher.com/-  if you ever need to read something beautiful, if you need to gain some perspective, if you just need to be reminded of what is important in life – I recommend reading Hannah… you won’t be disappointed.

This holiday season, in the face of all this darkness… as our nation mourns with so many families… consider doing something to spread a little light – to make a difference to just one person – whether that person is a dear loved one or a complete stranger.  Focus on others…

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy — meditate on these things.” (Phlippians 4:6-8)

 

Practicing the Constant Remembrance of God through Gratitude -

even in darkness…

1321… dark chocolate chips

1322… Christmas Lights

1323… photographs of loved ones

1324… holiday greetings with strangers on the street

1325… fountain pens

1326… The Philosopher’s story writing

1327… The Professor’s birthday – and Arduino board experiments (google it!)

1328… listening to the first Kathisma of the Psalter being chanted on Saturday evening at St. Herman’s

1329… the finding of Elmer Packrat

1330… helping out family

1331… visiting in the Platina General Store

1332… our “other home” in Platina covered in snow

1333… welcoming hugs from the monks

1334… confession in St. Herman’s chapel

1335… “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” – we’ve begun the Golden Nights!

1336… evening readings in our little family gathered around the dinner table in the candlelight

1337… wood heat – I Love Old Smokey (our woodstove) :)

1338… the comfort of our Emma-cat sleeping beside me all night long

1339… the return of Simba-cat to St. Herman’s – alive and recovering! :)

1340… sharing services with other pilgrims from all over

Lord, have mercy…

Thankful Hearts…

It’s been over a month since I stopped by this corner… life has been busy… beautiful and busy.

Tonight is the Eve of Thanksgiving, and I’m sitting in front of our woodstove – curled up with our Emma-cat, some knitting, and a fluffy robe. Of course, with Thanksgiving only a sleep away, my mind wandered back to this little corner where I chronicle my moments of gratitude. So, I’m taking a few minutes to drop in and remember my blessings…

There are many things I need to share here in order to bring this little corner up to date, but I don’t really have the time right now to go into details… and really… I just want to take these few minutes to try to catch up on my chronicling of life-gifts I’ve received these past weeks…

…my heart is full, and my prayers echo there in thanks for all God has done in me. My small, simple, soul doesn’t know what else to do but live the rest of this life trying to learn the Way and follow Him. There is no other way to show my gratitude but to live it…

Practicing the Constant Remembrance of God in each moment…

1291… night skies full of stars that light up the sky — so big it looks like you could reach out and touch them

1292… continued strengthening in my body

1293… Saturday night Vigil at the monastery in Platina

1294… bookstore gifts

1295… lentils simmering on the stove

1296… my grandma’s 78th birthday – so happy she was out of the hospital in time to celebrate!

1297… a visit with my Dad after months of busy schedules – so good to see him!

1298… returning to St. Herman’s – sans wheelchair… :)

1299… seeing Sr. Xenia again

1300… monastic joy

1301… my boys serving at the altar

1302… Cappy the Anatolian Shepherd… big and beautiful!

1303… The Philosopher hugging Cappy’s neck

1304… Confession with Fr. Hilarion – cleansing tears under the weight of his gentle, loving care

1305… Emma-cat sleeping in my lap

1306… the love of a dear friend – the blessing of her presence in my life

1307… The Professor’s joy in his prayers

1308… both boys spontaneously prostrating at the same time during prayers at the monastery

1309… candlelight

1310… cat tongues – rough and loving

1311… knitting needles – teddy bear projects all over the place!

1312… new sleeping bags

1313… road trips with loved ones on both ends

1314… surprises

1315… sunlight on soap bubbles in the kitchen sink

1316… rain and gray skies

1317… Thanksgiving Day plans… baked apples on the menu

1318… internet chats and visits

1319… soft yarn slipping through my fingers

1320… golden leaves – what a beautiful autumn we’ve had this year

It’s been so long since my last gratitude post, I feel like I could go on and on forever. The moments just pile up – this life is such a gift…I know now that I’ll never be able to do more than just barely scratch the surface of all that I have to be grateful for… How do I learn to live this life in all its beauty and “gift-ness”? I am only a small soul… how do I contain all this gratitude within me? How do I live in thankfulness to the One Who has given me these moments? All I can do is strive to live a daily self-giving of thanksgiving… and within me I can hear my heart chanting:

Glory to God for all things!

Lord, have mercy…